Jersey Shore
One Meatball Stands Alone

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: D | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
"Bacon, Egg, and Cheese... Your Girl Blew Me"

Satisfied that the dominoes are in place, Sitch heads downstairs where Snooki immediately tell him they are fucking done professionally. Sitch insists he "couldn't look Jionni in the eye, take shots, and be friends" knowing what happened. I loved that taking shots is like a sacred ritual of trust for these people. Snooki continues to call Sitchy a dickwad for narc-ing her out, all while Jionni begs her to pipe down and let it go. Sitch cockily says he's sure they'll be friends again in a few weeks. Snooki snaps back, "Actually, no, because I want you to go fuckin' die and rot in a hole." Sitch: "That's not very nice, Nicole." That is probably the only true thing that's come out that jackbag's mouth in five seasons. And then the throwing of things begins. You know Snooki is legit mad because she actually throws pickles. Her precious, precious pickles. Crimes of passion!

While Snooki and Jionni head out to the Boardwalk, the guys sit home and talk trash about them. The consensus is that Jionni doesn't care because Jionni is banging other girls, too. Pauly: "Their relationship's a joke." Sitch snarks, "They're meant to be. He took it on the chin just like she did." Who knew Sitch had a command of idioms?

Family dinner time! Snooki suggests the completely organic (and non-producer-prompted) idea that they should all go camping, and all the kids are, like, "Great idea, Snooki! That'll be fun." This is the fakest scene I've ever seen on this show. It's less authentic than JWOWW's boulder titties and Snooki's Salad Sensations spray tan. Speaking of things fake, the kids suddenly get into a totally "spontaneous" food fight. So remember those promos of Snooki throwing things at Sitch? They were not borne of conflict. It was just that Sitch got a little handsy with the potato, and Snooki retaliated. It's all in good fun? What a letdown! Vinny insists, "The food fight is not fun anymore, it's personal," but he was obviously told to say this to squeeze that last drop of drama of a saga that hasn't had any narrative tension for quite some time. Basically, the month before Italy was Twilight, Venice was New Moon, and everything that's followed is some horrifying mirror-world version of the remaining installments of Kristen & Rob Look: Constipation = Love. This forthcoming camping trip will be like that time Jacob carried Bella up to the woods to keep her away from the vampire hordes. And Ronnie is clearly the Lautner in this scenario. Have seen his Xenadrine ads?

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Jersey Shore

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