Jersey Shore
Kissing Cousins

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: B | Grade It Now!
Meatballs & Marshmallows

Previously: Pranks were prunk. Vinny unsuccessfully cock-blocked Snooki. Ronnie successfully life-blocked Sammi, so she left, and he was a worthless, crybaby piece of shit about it.

It's a new day in Seaside Heights, and Snooki kicks off the day by kicking her trick out of the house for not being cuddly enough post-coitus. He barely gets two feet out the door before she brags to JWOWW about her sore vagina and calls her friend Nick to hook up. They make plans to hang out tonight, even though she thinks Nick sounds a little ghetto. She tells him to promise her he'll be there to answer her call later that day.

Pauly and The Situation head to work with Deena, who is promptly harangued by their boss for not working through her hangover. She responds as anyone would, by leaving the store for an ice cream break with the boys, then offering herself as the scapegoat so they can stay out for an hour instead of the 10 or 15 minutes they're likely allotted.

Back at the house, Ronnie calls his dad to moan some more about what a hard time he's having lying in the bed he made. His dad offers to come down that night.

Back out on the boardwalk, Pauly and Sitch play games in hopes of winning one of those pocket rocket mini motorcycles. After $100 worth of failing spectacularly, during which time their boss is literally calling their cell phones to find out where they went, they bribe the carnie guy or something and "win" the bike. As they cart it back to the shore store, they wonder how they're going to explain themselves. Instead, Pauly just decides to own and walks into the store yelling, "Busted big-time!" He blames it on Deena for taking a shit (can the scatological references please end now?) and Sitch for succumbing to the siren song of the boardwalk. As you do.

Ronnie's father arrives. They take a walk and hash out Ronnie's problems, which I would argue are far, far longer than a stroll down the boardwalk can cover. Ronnie's dad basically tells Ronnie to suck it up and discourages Ronnie from going home because Ronnie can't escape the sad realization that he's a genuinely horrible person. I'm paraphrasing (and perhaps projecting) a little, obvs. Ronnie promises to tough it out. And I kind of love this scene because it could very well be possible that Ronnie's dad isn't trying to make him a stronger person so much as hold off having to deal with Ronnie's bullshit for as long as possible. I certainly would if I had laid the seeds for that worthless jackhole.

Everyone heads home in time for the sight gag du jour: Juiceheads on tiny bikes! Pauly thinks this diversion is good because it's the first time Ronnie has smiled since Sammi left. I think it's good that they have tiny brains and are so easily amused because it makes my job easier. Win-win!

Meanwhile, Snooki calls Nick. Of course he doesn't answer the phone, so she leaves him a dozen or so angry voicemail and takes her frustration out on the duck phone. JWOWW comes down to fan the flames by suggesting that Nick might have hooked up with another girl the night before. Nice friend skillz, WOWW! As Snooki proclaims she's ashamed of herself, JWOWW calls Roger (a.k.a. Nick's friend and JWOWW's boyfriend-ish) to see what the deal is. Roger tells JWOWW that Nick knows Snooki hooked up with Nick's friend's cousin the night before. Meanwhile, I love how it's totally acceptable to fuck your roommate who has a boyfriend, but hooking up with a friend's cousin is a deal breaker. Oh ye arbitrary rules of the Jersey Shore! And then the plot thickens: apparently Nick's friend and Gianni the bad cuddler's cousin is Jeff, against whom Snooki also slapped her vajayjay. Ronnie echoes Pauly's new refrain: "Busted! Big-time!"

That afternoon, I have the displeasure to inform you, the end of the running toilet joke (no pun intended) is nowhere in sight. Using a borrowed drain snake (speaking of ghetto), Vinny tries -- and fails -- to unclog the toilet. Snooki apparently finds the aroma of feces and musk appealing because she asks Vinny if he wants to bang. She gets down on herself because Vinny won't give her the time of day, and the sex wasn't even that good.

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Jersey Shore




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