Jersey Shore
Dropping Like Flies

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: C+ | Grade It Now!
The Situation Gloom

So does she go home like a smart person? No! She heads straight to the carnival rides. Because if you're unable to walk and waiting for the explosive vomits to hit, the Tilt-A-Whirl is just what the doctor ordered. After that, Snooki still hasn't expelled her insides, so they engage in what appears to be some horrific hybrid of a Vogue-off and a krumping battle with the spindliest Seasiders I've ever seen. Somehow they make it back to the Shore House in one piece, though Deena's lower lips are on full display at this point, and the guys don't miss the chance to ask her what corner she worked before heading home. There are several minutes of drama when Deena cannot disconnect her cheap-ass clip-in extensions from her actual hair. She trusts Blow-Out Pauly and Fake Eyelash Falling Off Snooki to this task, and Pauly literally rips the fake hair out of her head. It almost makes Sammi's mid-fight extension removal circa Season One seem elegant and understated.

As JWOWW continues to yank out Deena's clip-ins and throw them into the full bathtub for "deep conditioning," the others get ready for the night. OMG, y'all. It's not even midnight. These kids get more accomplished in a day than I do in a week! Then again, what they accomplish is primarily liver destruction and self-abasement. Witness Ronnie's proud declaration that he's wearing skinny jeans and The Situation's gold(-plated) sneaker tags that say "Sitch."

And off to Karma they go! Sitch immediately locks eyes on Unit, who has totally foregone torso coverage and converted his shirt into a bolero jacket. Mark my words friends, this will be the guido trend of 2012. So of course Sitchy decides he wants to make Snooki's night a living nightmare. While Sitch essentially cockblocks himself, Pauly finds the Jersey equivalent of a bro-ho and leaves to git 'er done before the night has even really started. He explains that he feels particular urgency because she is Vinny's type, so he wants to smash her in Vinny's bed as an offering to his dear departure. I would try to deconstruct that sentiment, but I feel I would never return from its darkness, so... there.

There's a weird interlude where somehow Unit and The Situation are involved in a massive scuffle at da club, which provided just enough time for Snooki to abscond with her man and head home for some old-fashion smushing. Miss-uation: Not accomplished! He vows to carry on with his quest for vengeance.

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Jersey Shore




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