Jersey Shore
Cabs Are Here!

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: A | Grade It Now!
"Now That's a Break-Up Right There."

Meanwhile, JWOWW brings Roger home to give him a surprise he won't forget while he's gone -- a view of her in a pleather dominatrix outfit with chaps and lots of laces. Of course, she performs her little fashion show in the main room of the house with drunken Deena and Snooki watching. Snooki admits that JWOWW is "like, porn star hot" (ugh) and that she'd probably have sex with her if Roger weren't around. The kiddies head into the Smush room, ignoring Snooki and Deena's requests to join in.

The next morning, Roger leaves for his mission trip to Burundi with a brand new outfit for the kids in the village! After he leaves Pauly, Sitch, and Deena talk over what went down the night before. Pauly thinks it's not right that he's this stressed about someone else's relationship. Sitch mentions with no small amount of smugness that Ronnie was crying all night long. He redeems himself slightly by mentioning the absurdity that Ronnie took issue with him for not observing guy code when he wrecked all of Sammi's stuff and didn't follow "general human code." They decide both Ronnie and Sammi owe the roommates an apology. Pauly half-jokes that, if this continues, he'll consult the phone book and put up SamRo 2.0 in another shore house for the rest of the summer to get some peace.

Later, Snooki and Deena hit up the bar for fattening food, shots, and an unfortunate view of a guy in neon yellow shorts. Tight shorts. Wiener-clingingly tight. So tight that they feel compelled to make fun of the guy to his face. After, they both give their assessment in a later interview that feature shots of roasting wienies in the background. Snooki thinks it wasn't big enough to merit that sort of tightness. They eventually shake hands, bid adieu, and tell him, "Thanks for coming... I see your wiener!"

That night, the unintentional, yet still heavy-handed metaphor for the wreckage that is Sammi's life still lies on the floor of the room upstairs. She ponders what to do next. She calls the girls aside for a private powwow and tells them she wants to go home so she can move on. She calls a cab and starts packing. She tells Vinny and asks him to let her spread the word on her own. Pauly notices the girls are all gathered upstairs, which is unusual, so she calls him up to break the news, then Sitch.

Downstairs, Ronnie proves once and for all how ineffably vile he really is by asking, "What, she apologize for last night?" I think I'm about to smash something at that bullshit. In any case, Vinny sort of betrays Sammi by telling Ronnie not-so-subtly that Sammi's impromptu meeting upstairs "has something to do with packing and rhymes with... [10-second pause, oh Vinny!] 'weaving.'" Ronnie doesn't believe it and goes upstairs to take Sammi aside.

First question out of his mouth? "What'd I do?" It's worth noting at this point that his T-shirt says "KILL YOUR TV." I think I might just do so at this point. O. M. G. Sammi -- not known for her steadiness of mind -- undertakes the foolish task of arguing with crazy and tries to explain to him exactly what he did wrong. She stops short when the tears start pouring down her cheeks. He condescends that they both embarrassed themselves last night. What kind of bunk is that? Seven of us went to the club, danced, and had fun. One of us destroyed an entire room of property and generally acted like a monster. Which of these is not like the other? And we're to believe that they both embarrassed themselves last night? Uh huh.

He tells her to come sit next to him and for once she refuses. She tells him she's leaving. He's awestruck. Finally his own awfulness has caught up with him. He clearly thought the day would never come. The day when actions had consequences. Imagine! Meanwhile, she's the one crying. He interviews that he could see it in Sammi's face that she was broken, and he didn't know what to say any more. Because he broke her. And yet! He follows her and tells her, "You want to go home? I'm gonna let you go. As much as it kills me." Then he wraps his meaty, sweaty, bulging, ape arms around her. And she doesn't push away. I am dry heaving. You see what he did there? He's letting her go home, even though it really hurts him. You see, he's got the power to let her go, but she's the one responsible for his pain. He has all the power, she has all the blame. What a wretched example of humanity. It's not even funny at this point.

Sammi's cab arrives. Pauly announces, "Cabs are he-ah!" But it's sad this time! Sammi hugs everyone else goodbye and says she needs to be with her family who love and supports her. Not in this toxic relationship (my word). And that fucker Ronnie has the gall to watch her go. Oh go stab yourself in the eye, you piece of trash. And you, too, Sitch, for hugging Ronnie like he's the fucking one who needs comforting. What was that about playing both sides? Ronnie interviews that he misses and loves Sammi, that he thought this day would never come, and that he regrets all the negative things he did to her. The sad part is, he'll wake up tomorrow like it never happened and set about stomping on the soul of some sad, lonely, desperate-for-validation, new girl. And there are plenty for the picking on the Jersey Shore, if anecdotal and videographic evidence is worth anything.

Next week: Snooki brings home a guy, so the guys cock block her as is only neighborly. Ronnie is so devastated by Sammi's departure -- especially after JWOWW takes it upon herself to remove all Sammi's stuff -- that he considers leaving, too. And so the dominoes fall.

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Jersey Shore




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