Jersey Shore
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"Now That's a Break-Up Right There."
ed for me? None, you fuckin' useless, spoiled bitch." Like, why are the cops not being called right now? No one has gotten smacked yet, but it's domestic violence 101, this shit. Oh yeah, because people like The Situation live here and think it's too much fun to watch. Also? I know that you could say this about virtually any scene from this show, but seriously, what is wrong with these people?

Vinny finally calls for it to quit, and Pauly takes Sammi elsewhere while Vinny tries to cool Ronnie off on the balcony. Sammi says she can't live with Ronnie. Apparently he's on the same page as he resumes throwing her shit out of the house. He starts with her clothes and finishes what he started with her bed. Sitch figures it's wiser to let this scene ride rather than trying to intervene anymore.

Ronnie leaves with the guys, walking through the living room where Sammi is and calling her a slut along the way. Which, of all the insults you could fling at Sammi is probably the least appropriate. You had a whole diamond mine to choose from Ronnie, and you chose the lump of coal. Sheesh. Alas, it seems the other girls in the house are determined to make that coal sparkle, though, because they decide to goad Sammi into a preemptive attack against Ronnie. They decide to slut her up, get her drunk, and find her some random dude to bang in retribution. Oof! Given the supremely misogynist structure of this world, we already know that plan is going to backfire on every possible level.

But first! They have to go to Sammi's closet to get her a hoochie uniform. They get upstairs, and she wonders aloud, "Where's my bed?" Heh. Meanwhile, the girls move Sammi's bed -- or what's left of it -- into their room downstairs. Dopey music ensues as two people who practically qualify as little people try to move a too wide, too heavy bed frame down a narrow stairwell. Snooki says, "It's kind of like an analogy of Vinny's penis not fitting into my pinhole." Speaking of pins, Snooki's humongous titties are at one point pinned to the wall by the bed frame. Good times. The girls finally give up and decide to abandon the bed frame. They grab the mattress and surf it downstairs to the girls' room, which appropriately "smells like vagina."

By this point, JWOWW and Roger have caught up with the guys. The girls make their way over to the exact same bar (see above re: boardwalk). Sammi hikes up her titties in her approximation of a slut dress, a.k.a. something that looks directly from JWOWW's Filthy Couture fashion line (RIP!). With Ronnie a few feet away, she climbs up on a table and calls out, "I need a fucking hot guy, right now. Hot guys, come here!" For her part, JWOWW thinks it's on and gives her brusque approval: "Let's the games begin."

Sammi stumbles around the club like a top-notch asshole and literally finds the first guy possible to grind up on. Deena and Snooki cheer her on while Sitch tries to take Ronnie out of the room to get his mind off of what's happening. Instead, Ronnie pulls out the DSM (Double Standard Manual) and registers his disgust that Sammi would dare pretty herself up and dance with another guy just 45 minutes after they broke up. Nevermind that he said about 37 minutes ago that he was within full rights to hook up that night, then loudly claimed the Smush Room for himself. And just in case I was wrong about his threats in the midst of their fight, Ronnie spells it out in an interview that he wants to ring Sammi's neck. He marches up to her and curses her for dancing with someone. She watches with a malicious smile on her face as he walks away.

He and the guys head home. He moans about her dancing with someone else, "Whether you're broken up or not, I think that's disrespectful." But only for a girl? Okay, just checking. He hulks into their room and starts literally ripping her shit up. Any clothes that didn't get thrown on the balcony earlier? Gone. Portable shelves, broken in half. Hot rollers, hurled on the floor. Toiletries, flung in the sink. He kicks, throws, and smashes every conceivable thing of hers in the room, finishing it all off by pushing her bed frame onto the balcony. The Situation surveys the damage and concludes tersely, "Now that's a break-up right there."

Sammi walks home with Snooki, afraid of what she's about to see. She staggers into the room as she takes it all in, finally collapsing onto the carpet in tears. He even broke her glasses. That's cold. She takes them up to the deck, where Ronnie and The Situation are shooting the shit. Ronnie immediately tells Sitch to evacuate. She asks him to explain how he could literally destroy everything she owns. He weakly responds that it was because of what he did to her that night. Okay, so backing it up on another guy (post break-up) = smashing thousands of dollars in personal property to bits? Just so we're clear.

Sammi finally calls to light the whole construct of this bullshit, seasons-long arc. "It amazes me how you [a man] can do what you've done and get away with it like murder. But the one time I [a woman] do something out of spite, it's not okay for you." If only she hadn't burped right after saying this! I'm talking open mouth, y'all. Regardless... Ronnie claims Sammi embarrassed him. In front of whom? He's already done all the ground work himself. Ugh. She mentions that it calls to mind their conversation earlier where she claimed she'd never embarrassed him like he's embarrassed her. Well, apparently now she has. But it's way past the point of even now. He took it past that point about the time his shit started flapping in the wind toward the Atlantic Ocean.

She asks what he wants from her. He says he wants respect. She says she does, too, and reminds him what hateful things he said to her earlier. He gets up and ape-walks over to her, threatening to do something nefarious with her glasses if she talks to him for the rest of the summer. He loses his track, though, when he circles back around to the fact that she was dancing with another guy and crushed him... like he crushed her glasses. He calls her a piece of shit, claiming that he had enough respect to cheat on her in Miami when she wasn't around. Oh! So that's what respect is? Now I see. He tells her that dancing with the other guy that night wasn't respect, it wasn't love, and that she showed her true colors that night. Just like how he showed his love, respect, and true colors by smashing the shit out of everything she owned 10 minutes ago. Sorry to belabor the point, but for the love of Ray J this is depressing, angering, ridiculous, mind-floodingly batshit insane. He concludes the conversation, walking off and declaring, "You disgust me in so many ways..." It's mutual, scumbag. And then he goes to the bathroom and cries like a bitch.

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Jersey Shore

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