Jersey Shore
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"Now That's a Break-Up Right There."

Previously: I missed a real zinger! Thanks, DeAnn Welker, for suffering through Ronnie's anal probe and Snooki's irrefutable ASSeration that seawater is salty because of all the whale sperm. Yeah, I watched it anyway. We're all in this together, guys. Sing it with me now, "Get crazy, get wild! Get crazy, get wild! We're at the Jersey Shore, bitch!"

It's morning at the Shore. As such, it's another day, another shame spiral. Ronnie wakes up Sammi to tell her that her actions the night before were uncalled for and sickening. The Situation wants them to break up already and spare the rest of their repetitive melodrama. He tells Sammi -- who still claims they're together even though they fight all the time, gah! -- that it's never going to get better, particularly in light of their problems in Miami. She admits that Miami broke her. Ronnie overhears their conversation and gets angry with Sitch for playing both sides.

He relays Sitch's betrayal to Pauly and Deena later, telling them he's going to "put him in his place." Pauly tries to distract Ronnie by taking him to the boardwalk for some guy time, and Deena takes Sammi for a girls' day out... on the boardwalk. Idiots. I mean, I know these are not creative people and that there probably aren't a lot of options from the get-go, but couldn't they have thought of a plan that wouldn't inevitably mean bumping into each other? Nope. Apparently not. So, when the inevitable happens, Ronnie blows off Sammi, causing her to hallucinate that he was with another girl and decide to pick up another guy right then and there. All the while, Deena is loving having a gal pal with more game than Snooki.

The girls return home, arms full of stuffed animals and random guys' numbers. Ronnie announces to them, plus Pauly and Vinny, that he has a lot to discuss with The Situation. Despite his bleeding rectum, which I suspect was oozing the color of Hawaiian Punch, he mixes up a super-sized portion of Ron Ron Juice. Pauly worries Ronnie's going to "pop off." Sammi tries to chill him out, but it only makes him madder. As Sitch walks toward the door, Ronnie tells Sammi, "Sit down, get out your popcorn, and watch."

Sitch walks in and asks if anyone wants to go to dinner. Ronnie immediately throws out a jab that he should ask his friend Sammi. Sitch obliviously claims they're all friends, to which Ronnie flatly replies, "No." Ding ding! Ronnie throws down the gauntlet, saying Sitch played him. Sitch says he's been telling them both the same thing -- to break up. Ronnie ridiculously says it's none of his business, which has about 15 levels of absurdity, particularly since Ronnie's vomiting and their fighting has cock blocked him at least once in the last week.

They get down to the nitty gritty when Ronnie accuses Sitch of not having his back, specifically when Sammi asked him about the content of the narc note last year and Sitch gave the weakest non-denial since "It depends what the meaning of 'is' is." Ronnie insists that The Situation inserted himself into their drama (bullshit), and Sitch insists he was neutral (bullshit). Ronnie claims Sitch isn't observing guy code. After several minutes of Ronnie's squeaky, 'roid raging, Sitch apologizes, which he claims in an ass-covering interview later was because he was taking the high road so as not to start a fight. They hug it out while the others pick their chins up off the ground. Sitch tries to make a joke to disperse the tension, but Ronnie's in no mood to laugh since he was denied the chance to hit a clown.

The crowd disperses, and everyone gets ready to go out. JWOWW anticipates a good night with Roger before he leaves for a long vacation. They head out for Mexican, advised by Snooki not to eat the beans. Just as they settle into their oversized margaritas, several of Roger's friends parade through and interrupt their one-on-one time to JWOWW's annoyance.

Back at the house, Sammi takes Ronnie aside to beat their favorite dead horse once more. She wonders how he could see her crying and lie to her face. His response? "Which time? Which time?" There are no words. If you have to ask which time -- and, more to the point, you're still shameless enough to do it so defensively, then it's kind of a moot point which time. There shouldn't have been more than one (or one at all) in the first place, you wallbanger. He comes back at her, saying he has enough respect and love for her to admit he was wrong. In the next breath, he calls her dumb. Also, there's some history about giving out numbers and ignoring phone calls that he throws in her face. He tells her to man up. She says she never made out with anyone or embarrassed him like he embarrassed her. She says he doesn't deserve her. At which point it's proposed for the nine billionth time that they go their separate ways. Regardless of that, isn't there a point at which they can just say, "We're even"? I mean, no amount of tabulating all their various offenses against each other (not to mention their offenses against humanity, which is basically, you know, being themselves) is going to make this shit right. Meanwhile, I think the dead horse just came back to life, stood up, and walked away all, "I quit this bitch."

Ronnie walks off, and Sammi finds her girls for consolation. They tell her to go out with them to dance and have fun, and they specifically advise her not to hook up with anyone. Sammi senses that Ronnie will get drunk and do something shady, probably because it's his approach to life. She pouts and whines, "I love the dick [Ronnie]." Says Snooki, "I love dick, too." Bless her for trying to lighten the mood. The girls primp and preen while the guys plan their creeping plan. Ronnie warns that "Single Ronnie's coming out to play."

Ronnie heads upstairs to get something from his room, where Sammi is getting ready. She foolishly asks him what he'll do if a girl approaches him. He foolishly (obnoxiously) answers that it doesn't matter because they broke up... literally five minutes ago. Mascara runs down her cheeks. They get into it again that each one is only thinking of him/herself and have a pissing contest about which one of them should move out of their room. Ronnie announces that he's got dibs on the Smush Room that night. The guys downstairs hear their screaming and resign themselves to the fact that SamRo 2.0 is never coming back from the abyss of their idiocy.

Somewhere amidst the fight, Ronnie goes into the closet and starts throwing Sammi's stuff out of the house. The Situation happens to be in the room getting his nighttime sunglasses and admits it's the worst fight between them he's ever seen. So what does he do? Call all the other roommates up to watch, of course! And watch they do as Ronnie grabs Sammi's bed and starts to move it out of the room. Even after she jumps on the bed, he doesn't stop for a minute or two.

He walks away from the fight, slamming the door to their room. Sammi follows behind, and Vinny tries to hold her back. She kicks the door open and screams over and over that she hates Ronnie and wants nothing to do with him ever again. He slams the door in her face. She kicks it back open, at which point Vinny switches over to holding back Ronnie while Pauly grabs Sammi. They carry the fight into another room, then out onto the balcony, ripping down curtains as they go. Sammi keeps shrieking that she's had enough and wants Ronnie to stay away from her... all while following him throughout the house, literally flinging herself at doors to be near him for one more second. And I'm pretty sure at one point he threatens to beat her up, you know, as loving and respectful boyfriends are wont to do. In case it wasn't grimy enough for you, Ronnie yells that these fights are exactly why he cheated in Miami. He bellows, "I got girls cooking me dinner. I've been with you for a year. How many times have you cook

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Jersey Shore




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