Jersey Shore

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Lady Lola: D | Grade It Now!
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They Came, They Saw, They Smashed

Previously: Twelve weeks of dreck, and The Situation being a serious jackhole as the cherry on top.

It's morning (by which I mean probably about 3PM) in Miami, and the gang finally decides to go somewhere other than da club. They drive to the Everglades to see the crocodiles (or as Snooki calls them "croca-dillies"). Quoth Pauly, "Oh yeah! Everglades yeah!" He jokes that if he used the giant fan on the air boat to do his hair, maybe it would only take him ten minutes. They head out on the water. A croc approaches the boat, and they all start screaming like maniacs. It starts to gnaw at the boat, then quickly decides this is a "Bitch, please" scenario. On two grounds: 1) These people are too fucking annoying to eat and 2) Have you seen how much hair gel Pauly D is working with? That business would take weeks to digest -- and probably give him the croc runs. Yet still I have to wonder why couldn't they have done this when Angelina was around? That whole used tampon fracas would have take on an entirely different dimension!

The tour wraps up, and the boys prove themselves to be as useless as we've always known when they are assailed by bugs that The Situation deems to be "about the size of Snooki." Ronnie jumps around like a ninny and Pauly inexplicably pulls out his karate chop hands. Because bugs respond to "Wax on, wax off"? Sitch advises everyone to get a move on because they are truly like fish out of water. They head to a restaurant in town that serves all sorts of Everglades delicacies, including frogs legs that have been battered and fried like nobody's business. The look on Ronnie's face at the sight of "gator tail fries" is pretty priceless. Who knew the creator of Ron Ron Juice could experience disdain? Certainly not this recapper. Pauly and the rest of the gang are likewise disgusted, but Sitch thinks it's pretty good. What was that you were saying about low standards? The trip reaches its denouement when Sitch lies in wait outside the bathroom door with a fried frog leg, waiting for JWOWW to emerge. She does, she shrieks, end of story.

Then the gang packs back into the cars, popping in their Blow Pops like they've just been to a rave. Perhaps they just licked the frogs legs instead of chewed them? According to Wikipedia, this means of getting high is "not biologically practical," which I think is also the description of this show. Also on the way home, Sitch begs Ronnie to pull over so he can hop out and throw up. Personally, I suspect he just caught a glimpse of himself in the rear view mirror.

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Jersey Shore

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