Jack & Jill

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Take Another Little Piece Of My Heart, Now, Baby

Previously: Jack and Jill stand in a greenhouse and have sex, which accounts for the WBhouse effect, a previously unexplained scientific phenomenon where terrible TV shows suck all the available oxygen out of a room; Mikey meets "his match" in Lucy, scary-eyed roommate of featherheaded Belinda. Belinda gives up Mikey so he and Lucy can get together.

Jack and Jill stroll down a sunny street in Make-Believe Manhattan, and Jack asks if Jill’s her boyfriend. He asks if she’s his girlfriend. They negotiate terms, which boil down to: toothbrush privileges at the Ferretorium, they get to eat off each other’s plates at dinner, and be affectionate in public for Jill; standing Saturday-night date (unless the Mets are playing), they speak once a day on the phone, and he has a picture of her in his room for Jack. They continue to "renegotiate" terms in ostensibly cutesy terms, and dicker over whether the picture of her has to be framed (I’d argue for soft-focus or up-close here, fella) -- otherwise, no toothbrush. Then, as they cross the street, in mid-traffic, Jill sweeps Jack into his arms and kisses her romantically, in a move that makes my otherwise cynical heart palpitate with romantic frissons. Also, it makes me gag.

Cue credits. Much romantic wailing.

Barto and La Ferretessa, Gack and Land-Fill are having an oh-so-cute-and-romantic dinner atop their roof. They’re all wearing parkas. They’re freezing. Audrey snaps, "Whose idea was this again? I’m freezing!" Jack, her amazing acting chops and visible star-power making those airwaves shimmer with charisma, coos, "We’re not freezing, We’re enjoying the night air." Barto sucks a strand of spaghetti while looking malevolently at Jack. In fact, he and the Ferret look like they’re both auditioning for an episode of When Animals Attack Crappy TV Stars! Jack continues, "We’re enjoying this, people!" Jill pipes in, "We can go in the greenhouse," while Barto slyly says, in his best deadpan, "Yeah. I heard it’s pretty hot in there." Ferret snickers behind one paw. Jack and Jill look affronted and shocked. The cleft in Ivan Sergei’s chin is big enough to float pool rafts in. Jack gets angry that Jill told Barto, while Jill tries to weasel his way out of it. Audrey wonders why it’s a big deal, since Jack told her. Jill asks, wounded, "You told Audrey?" and Jack says that’s different, since she tells Audrey everything -- not All Everything, but Some Everything, which of course means that they are swapping dick trivia about their erstwhile boyfriends constantly. Audrey spies some available prey on Barto’s plate that he pushes aside with a fork and says, "That’s for me," and then takes a shaving of what looks like Parmesan cheese off of it. Jack sees the exchange and says, "Oh, Barto, I’m so sorry, I forgot about your rubbery food thing." Barto turns to the Ferret and says, "J’accuse!" and slaps her across the face with a white glove, demanding satisfaction. Well, not really. What he does is say accusingly to Audrey, "You told her about my rubbery food thing?" Audrey says, "It came up." Barto asks how. Jill confides that it’s a genuine fear, but not as bad as Barto’s fear of escalators. The Ferret is astonished that he never told her, and Barto snipes, "Obviously, I didn’t need to."

Jack, having watched many a Friars’ Club Roast and well-read in Robert’s Rules of Order, taps on her wine glass with a fork. She then says they need rules. They all agree they need Intercouple Sharing rules, and Barto declares they need to be more respectful. Ferret and Barto’s eyebrows share a littlemoue of whatever. After a moment of silence, Jack asks, "So, Barto, is it scarier going up or going down?" and as someone who has had the same fear, I am now going to mentally slap Jack across the face with a white glove and demand satisfaction. The Ferret involuntarily laughs, and Jack whinnies at her own joke, opening her equine jaw and exposing her T-Rex-esque choppers, so much so that I expect the goddamned Millennium Falcon to fly out.

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Jack & Jill




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