Jack & Jill
Animal Planet, Part I

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Animal Planet, Part I

Previously: Jill tells Jack that she’s his greatest wish and he’s gonna form a plan to win her, so she better get ready. Jack looks dumbfounded. A nation snores and rents When Harry Met Sally.

Close-up of parquet floor. US3’s "Cantaloop (Flip Fantasia)" plays. Ferretina is in the middle of a pirouette or something. Hops and leaps are made. Dance moves are being funkified. Not. Ferretesta is wearing tight black Lycra pants (of course) and a grey tank top. Her hair is skinned back so severely my eyes water sympathetically. Ferretella continues to get her groove on. Hip gyration, body slaps, and loose arm movements are made. The dance scene continues waaaay past any point of relevance or interest. In a truly bizarre and sick move, Ferretorina opens her legs in a V and bends down to grab her ankles in a deep stretch. For some reason, the camera swivels upside down, too, and then we see Jack’s big woofly head saying, "Got a minute?" Ferretiva says, "Oh my God," and gets up. Camera swivels back up as she says this. I bet the director was high when he thought that would be a cool move for the camera. Ferretia asks what that was all about with Jill since she couldn’t hear through the door. Jack says, "He told me he wanted me and to be ready." Amanda Peet opens her eyes very wide at regular intervals during this sequence to express astonishment. Ferretaria makes "aaand?" gestures and Jack says, "Well, there was more." Jack asks what she should do. Ferretona asks Jack what she feels. For some reason Audrey is allowed to talk to Jack while the rest of the "dance troupe" goes on rehearsing. Jack starts shouting. She shouts that she has a boyfriend, that people shouldn’t walk into your apartment and start saying crazy things, and Audrey quite rightly interjects that she didn’t ask what Jack thought, she asked what she felt. Jack, in her adorable "I am a rip-off of Sally Albright in When Harry Met Sally and Holly Hunter’s character in Broadcast News" mode, takes out a piece of paper on which she’s made a list. It’s a pros and cons list. She lists all of Matt’s good qualities, which include his ambition, his suit-ownage, and that they think alike. She lists Jill’s good qualities, which include good lips and major chemistry, but his cons are that he’s jobless and wears hats. When did my mother get a job writing for third-tier TV shows? Ferretovia points out that not one feeling is on the list. Jack starts to lose it. She says she feels sick, dizzy, and "PSYCHOTIC!" Audrey says they’re getting somewhere. Jack slumps her big, sun-damaged head of hair onto Ferreterra’s sweaty chest. Yuck.

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Jack & Jill




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