How I Met Your Mother
Something Old

Episode Report Card
Angel Cohn: D+ | 9 USERS: C
Hole in the Head

Back in 1994, Robin's dad took his "son" to New York for a trip and though it seems ridiculous given what we know of young Robin, she took a moment aside in Central Park (with a trowel she happened to have while she was on vacation) to bury a locket in the hopes that years from then she'd meet her mulletted dream man and get married and come back to dig this up for her "something old." But she does a crappy job of digging. For someone who has had so much experience in the wilderness you'd think she'd really know better. She barely even digs a hole big enough to cover the little jewelry box.

Anyway, now she's back in the park and she thought she and her father could find it together but he's more interested in playing laser tag with his new son who has an actual penis, Barney (or B-dog as he has dubbed him). And after she digs for a while, which wouldn't actually ever even remotely happen because they are SUPER strict in Central Park, especially in a public area like right near the carousel, and barely even let you walk on the freaking grass much less spend hours digging it up and peeing in a hole. Finally, she desperately calls Ted, and even though he's busy and has a big job interview, he drops everything to go help her because he thought she needed a friend. She's upset because she thinks that finding this is the sign that she's doing the right thing marrying Barney (even though her betrothed is way involved in a heated face-off with lasers against his father-in-law to be and can't be bothered to assist her), and Ted tells her that signs are for dummies (like him) and they share a moment when she finds the box and it's empty. I swear to God if they even toy with putting Ted and Robin back together, TPTB at CBS are getting a bill to replace my TV because I will destroy it in a fit of rage.

And then over at Marshall and Lily's apartment, baby Marvin is nowhere to be found (of course) and the two are quibbling over what should go in the trash (or more accurately the triangle downstairs where things go immediately missing) and what they should take for a year in Italy. Apparently they've never heard of storage units. Put all your stuff in there. Though I did learn from my old neighbors (who went to Australia for a year for work) that putting your bras in cold storage is a terrible idea because they all shrink. Just a helpful tip, which is the least I can do since this show is so useless right now.

The couple are fighting so much that they call in Ted to be their tie-breaker as apparently he's the packing king or something. He once traveled through Europe with only a fanny pack (and earned a nickname for it), but all I can think about is how bad he must have reeked wearing that ugly Dashiki the entire time. After he swallows a piece of gum (because he's an 8-year-old), he gets down to business arbitrarily deciding (he tosses a book on Italy but keeps an actual triangle instrument) which piece of sentimental nonsense should be shipped on what I'm sure is an expensive flight to Italy. Is the Captain paying for all this? And not one of the items they are deciding on is anything for the baby. Just saying. Things get tense when the threesome fight over a disgusting bean bag chair that they've had since they moved to the city. It apparently smells of decade-old Doritos farts, and weirdly enough, this is not the only decade-old fart joke that aired on CBS tonight. There was also one on Mike & Molly. Points for originality. Ted wants them to take the beanbag, because it represents their friendship, and he's afraid they are going to forget him while they are away (because Skype and email don't exist in this world). But eventually they all agree it is time to let the gross bean-less beanbag go, and Marshall and Lily have some kinky gorilla sex (not a euphemism; wearing an actual gorilla costume).

How I Met Your Mother




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