Off the Record

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 35 USERS: C
The 5 Stages of Ho
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!


Ellen nearly got her dour ass shot off after pokin' her nose into Nina's mom's business, but at least confirmed that only the President has the necessary beans to magic Nina back to health. Champlain promised to be a mole for G-Man Logan inside Duncan Carlisle's doomed operation thanks to her Achilles Heel: people offering her any amount of money whatsoever. Vanessa is boning the head of the NSA and murdering White House staffers (and hopefully Team Duncan) left and right like it's no big deal, because her brother once flew a plane into a mountain. And Duncan Carlisle found out that he was going to be sniped again, but then figured out that the sniper is actually going to kill the President during his secret praying in New York City, then come back to DC and kill absolutely everybody on the show. Godspeed, Mister Sniper.


Beardy keeps an eye on the Sanderses upstairs while Duncan and Archer have a very thrilling conversation about all the things we already know.

Archer: "But I hate New York City! It is the concrete jungle where dreams are made of!"
Duncan Carlisle: "I can't worry about the illiteracy of Alicia Keys right now. I have to save the President so we can kill the President."

Tate: "I hope nobody feels bad about all of the things that have happened to me -- I mean us -- because my manhood depends on feeling manly. I mean, our manhood."
Morgan: "Is this our only scene in this entire episode? Is it Xmas already?"
Jake: "I guess dealing drugs and getting beat into a jelly is all I had going on anyway."
Tate: "Just remember that you have to act like a whiny bitch all the time so our captors won't think you're a whiny bitch."
Morgan: "This whole dick-measuring contest with Duncan Carlisle might go better if Mom and I weren't already brainwashed into being in love with him."

Jake: "Even Mom says we should cooperate."
Tate: "Uh, I think you mean collaborate. Those who do will be first against the wall."
Morgan: "I think all this kicking against the pricks rhetoric is really just you tilting at windmills. You should adopt a more Zen vibe. Like, some days it rains and some days it's sunny. Sometimes you get knocked up with a pickup truck baby, other times you get kidnapped and held hostage in a giant Conspiracy."
Tate: "But what about self-respect? What about America?"

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