2:45 P.M.

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 20 USERS: B
Dig Your Own Hole
Tate: "Yeah, it sure is."

I cannot believe that worked. I like that even more than the "I forgot" defense.

"You know what would be super-duper sexy? Let's play Sexy Bank Teller. How you do that is, you pretend to be a sensual bank teller, and I will 'drive up' to your 'window,' which will have holiday-themed decorations. And then I will fill out a deposit slip and send it over to you, and then you will very hornily give me all the money in your wallet, and then I will drive away again. Aren't you so turned on right now?"

"No, I'm not asking you to get me a beer because I'm lazy, I'm asking you to get me a beer because you're so sexy. It's called Sexy Waiter, it's a game I just invented. Put a towel over your arm, and then go get me a beer. The end. Hoo, is it getting hot in here?"

"I have a very sensual game we could play. You are the horny owner of some french fries, and I am this oversexed stud who is really into french fries. And so it is very sexy because what happens is, you give me your french fries. I make you watch me eat your french fries, they are delicious. And then we get back in the car and drive to wherever we're going and we act like nothing happened, but really you know, and I know, that I ate the shit out of those fries. It's like a secret between you and I. A sexy french fry one. You like? You like?"


Duncan: "So your dumb sister has decided to just say fuck it and have cancer."
Beardy: "But then why are we even doing any of this?"
Duncan: "I know."

Explain something. Anything. Now she's got secret cancer on top of her cancer that she knows about? That only the President dying can cure. That's a logical scenario, right? Sure. Or is it because of Obamacare? Or is it for magic cancer treatments in another country -- I bet it's that one. That's very Duncan Carlisle, to have one belief that requires all of his faith so the rest of the time he's just this jungle cat of muscle and mass that can ride a motorcycle doing a total handstand just because he feels like it.

Rando: "Agent Carlisle, the board has finished reviewing your thing from the pilot."
Duncan: "And what is the verdict?"
Rando: "The verdict is, you are so awesome we can't even believe it. You win the FBI."
Duncan: "This is coming at a weird time, I was actually enjoying my time off because of my other job I am doing right now."

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