High School Reunion
Episode 3

Episode Report Card
Wendola: C | Grade It Now!
Naked Oak Park!

In the kitchen, Patricia and JockDan and the other classmates are asking Ben if he's got something going on with Maya. Oh, God -- they're not quitting with this whole Ben Becomes A Man subplot, are they? Let's review: boxing; shy flirting with Maya; catching huge fish; more Maya; running of the bulls; Maya; wounded in combat in Italy; Maya. God. He and Maya sit out in the yard and talk. Like Natasha, Maya asks him what the hell he even did in high school, but somehow manages not to be patronizing. And then Ben and Maya wind up together in the hammock. Aww. And then thugs with big knives rush up from the beach and Ben disarms them and wrestles them to the ground. And then everyone is super-impressed.

Holly and Dave leave for their date. "I just want to take the proper steps to make sure that she knows the way I'm thinking about her," says Dave. In this interview, he's wearing a robe. Well, that's a step. They're shown in the minivan on the way to their date, and Holly says in voice-over that she did not know Dave in high school. We know. You weren't in the same class, Holly. You were in some kooky oblivious Shy Girl trance, and only the flash of a Playboy photographer's camera could make you snap out of it. We KNOW. Holly admits that she thinks Dave is kind of funny. They get out of the car, and they're walking down the hallway of some resort spa. Like, it's called "Resort Spa." "Why are we here?" says Holly. "We're going to give each other massages," says Dave. Oh. Of course. A casual, first-solo-date massage. Because Playboy models don't need to chat over coffee like real people do.

Back at the house, all the classmates without plots start completely dicking around and roughhousing. Natasha and someone else hold Jeff by the legs while Sarah pokes him. "This house is, like, so high school," says Chris in an interview. Jeff yells, "DO YOU EVER SHUT THE HELL UP?" at Sarah, and Sarah chases him down the stairs. Uh, guys? Jeff pulls Sarah into the pool with him. Chris holds Summer down and tickles her. Maya laughs hysterically. Summer and Patricia pummel Chris with pillows. Excuse me, guys? Dan Barbato streaks on the beach. Summer grabs his clothes. JockDan grabs Summer, and she screeches. There's shrieking! Squealing! Chasing! Grab-assing! There's -- okay, people? Is this the Hawaiian Pure Cane Sugar product placement part of the show? Like are you eating that shit raw?

Holly and Dave go into The Cabana o' Creepy Massage. "We were both really nervous," says Holly. Holly lies down on the table with her robe pulled back, and Dan pushes his greasy hand around on her back. Word to the person on the boards who noticed a price tag on the bottom of the massage oil bottle: yep, it's Pier 1, all right. "Resort Spa," my ass. The raunchiest music ever plays. We're talking major Horns Of Tumescence here. When the massage is over, Holly sits up, and Dave apparently gets a peek inside her robe. Ewww. Hey, so can you give me a massage now? No, really -- go ahead. I won't actually have to be there for it, seeing as how I'm so creeped out that I'VE JUST CRAWLED OUT OF MY OWN SKIN.

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High School Reunion




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