High School Reunion
Episode 3

Episode Report Card
Wendola: C | Grade It Now!
Naked Oak Park!

Day Six. Host Mike Richards walks into the house. Oh, no -- why's he here again? I'm really confused about his role on the show. I think if he'd been at OPRF, he would've been a driver's ed teacher. He's exactly the kind of guy who would have insisted that you take the stupid driving simulators seriously. Those guys were such dicks. Everyone in the house is still sleeping, but Mike Richards goes up to the gong and prepares to bang it. "I hate to do this, I really do," he smirks. No you don't, tool. You hate it like you hated stomping that little passenger-side brake all the time. Screech! Ha ha! Ass. He bangs the gong. Everyone gets up reluctantly and gathers outside on the patio. Mike Richards tells them they're going to split up into two groups, a guys' group and a girls' group. Natasha squeals in excitement at this news. Like, maybe she thinks they're going to get one of those You're Almost A Woman Now talks. It turns out that the girls are going snorkeling and the guys are going deep-sea fishing. Everyone runs up to their rooms to get ready. There's an exceptionally cheesy video sequence in which the women are shown getting ready. They put on bikinis; they rub on suntan lotion! They pull little t-shirts on! They pull them up! And then down again! Play the video backwards and forwards! Hot Snorkeling Babes III on VHS! Order now!

Out on the boat, the women sit around talking about the guys. "It wasn't a good day for Jason," explains Maya in an interview. "It got out that there were two, maybe three girls that he tried to kiss already." Cut to the girls talking and discovering that the number of them who've been macked on by Jason is actually more like four or five. Patricia confesses, "It made me feel that our date wasn't as sincere as he made it to be." Oh my God, like, he would have done a handstand off a pole for anyone? The girls snipe about how he looks better when he keeps his mouth shut, and he tries to act too much like a stud. "I thought that maybe Jason and I would have a chance," says a disgusted Patricia. Oh, bullshit. But I guess bullshit is technically gossip, too.

Over on the fishing boat, Dave throws water on Jeff; guys hoot; Tim, Dave, and Jeff moon the camera. Aaarrr! It's Man Boat! In an interview, Jeff says that they decided that whoever catches the biggest fish would get Maya. "Why not -- she's new, she's still prize status…the other girls are a little worn out." I really hate to say it, but Jeff could probably recite entire passages from Mein Kampf and still sound charming and not at all offensive. The guys all fish, and eventually, Ben hooks a big marlin on his line. That reminds me -- did you know that Ernest Hemingway went to OPRF? Ass. Anyway. Chris confesses that once they hooked a fish, "the testosterone level was pumping pretty high." Ben sits with the pole between his legs, yanking and pulling, and all the guys are grunting, and Ben's sweating, and Dave's toweling him off. There's more virility than you can shake the biggest stick in the world at. "Work it, man!" shouts Maurice, standing steadfastly behind him. "You can do it!" calls Dan Barbato, standing at his side. "Pussy," mutters Ernest Hemingway from beyond the grave. Finally Ben manages to reel in the marlin. All the guys are impressed. Ben's The Dork Man Of The Sea experience wins everyone's respect. "Ben's a stud," says Dave. "Faggots," says Hemingway. "All of 'em."

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High School Reunion




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