High School Reunion
Episode 3

Episode Report Card
Wendola: C | Grade It Now!
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Naked Oak Park!

Holly and Dave and Patricia and Jeff get into The Minivan Of Exotic Escape and ride out to some tropical forest locale. Dave leans over Patricia's shoulder, and Jeff makes that "back off my woman, ass!" remark that we heard in the previews. They go hiking through the rainforest. The date's all about Holly and Dave. Patricia is just there to inform us that "I think Dave's really attracted to Holly, and I think Holly finds Dave very entertaining." And Jeff's pretty much around just for more one-liners like, "I'm going to be the meat in their sandwich of love!" Patricia and Jeff: the power couple of reality-show narrative. Holly and Dave hike their way to loooove. There's pretty scenery. Oh, and another rainbow! Presumably not a gay rainbow. You can't get more hetero than a date with a Playboy model.

Back at the house, Ben and Maya are hanging out. In an interview, she says, "You know, I think a lot of people think Ben's made this huge transition, but I feel like he was the same person in high school, and people didn't really know that. They just didn't give him the chance." I think that's the first completely non-bullshit observation that's been made on this show. Meanwhile, on the Hall Pass date, the two couples make it to a big waterfall. Dave and Jeff jump off a ledge to a pool below the falls. Patricia jumps in, too, but Holly says she doesn't want to; she has that handy Shy Girl stereotype and all that. "Holly didn't jump off the cliff because I think she was nervous about her top coming off," says Patricia, and it's all she can do to keep from adding, "Maybe, you know, she would have been more comfortable if Hugh Hefner had been there with his checkbook." "God help whoever can take her top off," says Dave. "Because she's hiding some fun under there!" He snickers. Aww, I'm glad he's still a little bit of a shitpig. Oh, and just for fun, count the number of times the shots of Holly start with her chest and pan up to her face.

Do I even have to talk about how Patricia and Jeff get along? Patricia says about Jeff, "I think that we can definitely be friends." Because nobody scores with the Gossip Cyborg. "I'm always gonna keep Patricia in the rotation," says Jeff. "I'm going to make it through all [the women] by the time this is done."

There's a sunset, which can only mean one thing: Dan and Natasha. Well, I guess that's two things. Or four, if you count the man boobs. Actually, there are too many creepy things to count when it comes to Dan and Natasha. They walk on the beach. Dan wants a kiss. Natasha won't kiss. Oh no she won't oh okay yes she will but just a little kiss tee hee hee! They talk very loudly and purposefully about how they hardly ever talked in high school at all; no, no, not even a little; well, okay, a little, but it's not like they were in the same clique. Oh, wait: yes they were. Well, sort of. Maybe. They look at each other in wonder. How could they have basked in the same glow of self-entitlement and not noticed each other until now? Wow. "I haven't decided what I'm going to tell my boyfriend about the reunion," Natasha says in voice-over. Uh, yeah. Hey! Tell him that it was an Amish high school reunion! Yeah! And that you're Amish! And since you can't watch TV, you threw his out.

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High School Reunion

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