Buffet Froid

Episode Report Card
LuluBates: A | 9 USERS: A
Bad Santa
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

In the perfect horror movie set up, a girl walks into her isolated home deep in the woods with no neighbors within sight. Why does she live there all alone? Because she likes to get murdered. It's really the only reason I can think of. She doesn't look quite old enough to be a homeowner... plus, she has a parakeet, which no grown woman has as a pet except in movies where they are about to be murdered and/or have a gas leak caused by a major corporation. She is a mystery, this one.

After she tucks herself into her twin bed (maybe she's a nun?) a drip in the ceiling catches her attention. There's no way this is going to end well. She grabs a flashlight and heads to the attic. The good news is that the drip isn't blood. The bad news is that there's a huge hole in her roof and mysterious footprints across the rooftop. She doesn't see those, but I'm guessing it's not Santa. She patches the hole, goes back to bed and notices some wet footprints. She tracks them to her bedroom and then gets dragged under her own bed and is dispatched in a sprinkler of blood. Hope you weren't planning on sleeping tonight, single ladies! Eh, just hook up at a bar and blame this show.

Will Graham is having a hard time coping with the fact that the innocent little Abigail Hobbes killed a man. Hannibal Lecter, to whom he is speaking, points out that he killed a man, too. Graham can't help but note that Lecter also killed someone. They are all even-steven on the murder front. Except that Lecter is a sociopath who has killed a mazillion people (guesstimate) and Abigail helped her dad kill a bunch of lovely lookalike ladies, so Graham is looking pretty mentally stable with his lowly body count of one. He's going to have to work on upping that if he wants to maintain his street cred with this crew. Then Lecter asks whether Graham is still losing time, and has him draw a clock face. The clock that Graham hands him is totally janky with all the numbers clumped in one half. He doesn't notice, but Lecter does.

Graham wakes up covered in blood with a fishing knife in his hand and a girl with an extra-wide smile dying underneath him. He runs panicked out of the room and finds the entire FBI crew waiting for him. He's investigating the woman's Santa Claus murder, but got extra involved in recreating the crime and ended up corrupting the entire crime scene with his historical reenactment. Jack Crawford is not impressed. He looks Graham up and down and you can just see the "SMDH" thought bubble form over his head. After Graham cleans up, Crawford warns him that he has never seen him this shaken and he doesn't want to see it again. The woman bled to death in a grisly crime, which the camera has no problem zooming in on a bunch. Graham explains that she was dragged under the bed. The killer knew her and was trying to peel a mask off her face. Remember that scene in Beetlejuice where Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis want to scare the beejeezus out of the family and pull their faces way apart? This is like that, but really freaking disgusting and not at all funny. The killer also scratched out all the faces of her in the family pictures, which is television shorthand for "completely crazycakes." Well, that and the supremely gruesome murder.

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