Grosse Pointe
Barenaked In America

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Erin: B | Grade It Now!
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Mammaries...light the corners of my mind...

After weeks and weeks (okay, only three weeks...or maybe it was two...hell, I don't know, it seemed like forever), Grosse Pointe has returned with a new episode. I'm so excited I can barely speak. Well, that's not really true. I've never been so excited that I can't speak. I've been so excited that I speak incredibly fast and no one can even understand me unless they've taken speed-listening classes, but usually excitement doesn't render me mute. Anyway, our favorite dishy stars are back. And so are Courtney's now-famous boobs.

That's right. In a rare occasion of repetition, the powers-that-be behind Grosse Pointe have decided to treat us to yet another mammary-centric episode. It would appear that neither Schmarce nor Huntley have casabas worthy of an entire episode, however, because once again, Coco's front is center. My chest should get so much screen time. "Yes," says Hank4, "it really should. Now arch your back for me..."

Ahem. Let's get down to business.

The episode begins with Hairless in a stairway set, testing out a couple of hella-cool dude-ish poses. Kev walks up with something in his hand, but before he can speak, Hairless needs an answer to a very important question. "Lemme ask you something," he says. "Honest opinion; no wrong answer. Do I look cooler with my hand in my pocket or on my belt buckle?" And here I thought he was going to ask Kev the proper way to split an atom. Kev answers the only way he can. "Uh, like, equally cool." Poor Kev. Cursed with a job that requires him to answer lame questions from guys with bad toupees. Kev hands Hairless a magazine and tells him it was seven bucks. Hairless ignores the mention of the price, and we get a glimpse inside the magazine. It's Courtney, in various poses that we're supposed to think are sexy but really just look to me like some hick chick on a mountain somewhere in cutoff shorts, a skimpy top, and little or no make-up. The title of this article is "Courtney Scott's Grand Tetons." Um, we'll get to this a little later on, but I really see no evidence of "grand" anything.

Hairless is more than impressed, though. "I always thought Courtney was a pretty lady," he grunts as he walks off with Kev in tow, "but, BOOYEOW. Wouldn't mind having sex with her, if you know what I'm saying." Kev just looks at him. "Yeah, you wouldn't mind having sex with her." Heh. It's two seconds into the episode and already Kevin's got my ass rolling on the floor with giggles.

Hairless requests a high-five slap from Kev with, "Exactly. Up top." God, he's a tool. Kev gets a concerned look on his face (I mean, more concerned than usual) and says that he feels bad for Courtney, because her ex sold the pics to the mag without her permission. I wonder how someone would ASK permission of an ex to use some lame mountaintop photos for profit. Hairless asks Kev how he knows this. "Because I read the article," says Kev. "Sicko," says Hairless, walking off. Kev looks longingly after him. "Um, Quentin? My seven dollars?" Poor Kev. Cursed with a job that requires him to chase after idiot stars for measly pocket change.

Meanwhile, Coco (we'll get to this nickname later) drives up to the studio entrance, where a security guard greets her by saying that if she ever wants to go for a hike with him, he'll leave his wife and kids. Courtney doesn't know what the hell he's talking about and drives onto the lot. Look. I can see some Everyman wanting to leave his wife and kids for a long woodland hike with, say, Pamela Anderson, but I think that's a little extreme for a bottle-blonde with a mere B-cup. I'm just sayin'.

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Grosse Pointe

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