Glee

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Glee's Super! Thanks For Asking!

...the post-game locker room, where Coach Beiste proceeds to bawl out her guilty-looking charges. When Beiste demands an explanation from Finn, he immediately lights into Karofsky, and the whole aggravating screamfest quickly descends into a freewheeling brawl until it magically stops so Karofsky can shout, "Championship game or not, I am not blocking for him!" He jabs a pissy little finger in Finn's direction on that line, of course, and Coach Beiste -- by now almost as fed up with this bullshit as I am -- kicks him out of the room. Finn takes out his frustrations on a blameless garbage can, and then we're off to...

...Sue's office to listen in as her voiceover dictates yet another of her fabulous diary entries like so: "Dear Journal, I am in crisis. Not even the can't-lose combination of boobs and fire can get me going anymore. Is it the raccoon hormones my new doctor gave me?" Hee. "Here I am," Sue's voiceover continues, "thirty-one, and already a legend. What do I do as a second act? I'm simply at a loss -- last week, I even took to modifying my own flawless form just to feel something!" Midway through that last line, the camera smeared over to Last Week, where we find Sue face-down and apparently topless as an elaborately inked tattoo artist colors in a magnificent, full-back representation of a be-haloed Sue smiling sassily as she displays her latest state-of-the-art digital stopwatch with obvious pride. One problem: "Wait," the tattoo artist frowns while proofing the name he's just etched into her skin. "It's 'Syvlester,' right? 'Sue Syvlester'?" Flashback Sue's eyes widen with horror before we smear back to the present, where Sue's voiceover concludes its latest journal entry with the following questions: "How do I make things interesting again? How do I get those juices flowing?" Fortuitously enough, at this very moment of Sue's deepest despair, her high-definition flat-screen TV happens to tune itself over to an old Krazy Kat cartoon in which the titular hero sets off a comically large cannon. "That's it!"

A dire dramatic flourish of absolutely cinematic proportions hits the soundtrack as the camera cuts to pan lovingly down the barrel of the spectacularly large stunt cannon Sue arranged to have set up in the last two seconds out on the football field. Clad in an ominous, puffy, track suit-inspired ankle-length coat the color of blackest night, and with her trusty enforcer at her side, Sue smiles up at the massive thing before addressing its grizzled carnival geek of an owner thusly: "You say this could shoot someone across a football field?" "Several football fields," the grizzled geek confirms, "if you pack in enough explosives." "Of course," he adds, "that would be incredibly unsafe -- see, if you wanna go fer more'n, say, fifty yards, yer lookin' about a seventy percent chance of cat-a-stroph-ic failure." "Which is a thirty percent chance of catastrophic success!" Sue gloats. "This is the button, right?" she asks, already pressing it before the question's properly out of her mouth, and the maintenance guy who'd been greasing up the insides of the thing instantly goes hurtling through the air, soaring over the goalposts at the far end of the field before tumbling into a safety net someone thoughtfully set up for him in the end zone. Trust me: It's far, far funnier than it has any right to be. And while Sue tries to make a habit of "not touching carny folk," she's so impressed with this fantastic display of the cannon's power that she can't help but shake the grizzled geek's hand. "I'm back!" she exults, drawing The Enforcer in for a hearty, back-slapping side-hug.

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Glee

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