I Am Unicorn

Episode Report Card
Demian: B- | 1 USERS: F
Straining Harsh Discords And Unpleasing Sharps

...Idina Menzel's tastefully appointed apartment. The doorbell rings, and when Idina crosses to answer, she finds Puck loitering around out there on her welcome mat, and if they expected me to care about this subplot at all, they shouldn't have dropped it so completely a year and a half ago, either. Long story short, Puck vows to prove himself a worthy father to Drizzle, Idina's heart melts at his openly expressed sincerity, the two of them should be doing it by November sweeps, and we head into this evening's second commercial break.

Auditorium. Coach Beiste hoists Artie into his Chair Of Judgment behind the auditioners' table, and after Artie thanks her for the assist, he titters to Emma that Coach Beiste "is like [his] own private Jim Henson" before calling out, "Next!" St. Gay Of Lima prances onto the stage, there to perform, as he puts it, "the seminal -- and in [his] case, semiautobiographical -- classic" "I'm The Greatest Star" from Funny Girl, and I defy you to come up with a worse audition piece for the role of Tony in West Side Story. It's a massive and massively egocentric miscalculation on his part, and he helps his cause not a bit when he chooses to punctuate the big finale by twirling a pair of sai swords, for whatever asinine reason. Nevertheless, Emma, Artie and Coach Beiste respond with hoots and hollers and an enthusiastic round of applause, so Kurt giggles, all pleased with herself, and then we're off to...

...The Novak, where Puck rudely intrudes on some of Quinn's alone time to demand she "lose the Skank act and get it together" lest she never see Drizzle again, and as I don't recall any of these fools giving the teeniest, tiniest fuck about goddamned Baby Drizzle over the course of the last twenty-three episodes, I'm gonna give this scene a great big WHATEVER and scoot forward to eavesdrop on...

...the auditioners' deliberations, which are currently taking place over in Emma's office. Coincidentally enough, St. Gay Of Lima is also eavesdropping on the auditioners' deliberations, and what he overhears is not good. While Coach Beiste admits Kurt "owned that song like it was his prison bitch," she's of the opinion that West Side Story's Tony should look and act like "an Alpha gang member," and she just wasn't getting that sense of the character from St. Gay's audition piece. Emma counters that Tony's "a poet of the urban jungle," and adds that Kurt possesses "a delicate wholesomeness" that in her humble opinion is "unexpected but not unwelcome" in the role. "I mean," she confesses, "if I were Maria, I'd love to be held in Kurt's toothpick arms on my fire escape." Coach Beiste is all, "Yeah, yeah, I like the kid, but I want a Tony that excites my lady parts." The two turn to Artie for his take on the matter, and he's forced to admit that St. Gay Of Lima might be just a wee bit too precious for the part. St. Gay is crushed. CRUSHED, I tell you.

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