I Am Unicorn

Episode Report Card
Demian: B- | 1 USERS: F
Straining Harsh Discords And Unpleasing Sharps

...The Lair Of The Maharishi, where The Maharishi himself holds a check-like slip of paper in his hands while asking, "Mr. Motta, just so I'm clear: In exchange for this very generous donation, all I have to do is hire Miss Corcoran to start a second show choir at McKinley which features your [nightmare of a] daughter?" "For which I will cover any and all expenses," Al Motta confirms, the nightmare of a daughter in question clinging limpet-like to his side. Al Motta pats one of the nightmare's hands and asserts, "My Sugar's a supernova, Figgy!" A delightfully avaricious smile spreads across The Maharishi's face as he seals the deal, and with that, he bellows this bit of joyous news at his secretary out in the vestibule: "Mr. Motta has just ended our toilet paper shortage with this enormous check! Wipe away!" Idina, who'd been sitting silently at Mr. Motta's side during this flashback, sullenly rolls her eyes, and then we smear back to...

...the present, where Idina wryly explains that Mr. Motta actually sent a head-hunter out to Manhattan to track her down, for she is apparently "the best show-choir director money can buy." Will looks troubled, and Idina smilingly assures him she'll not be poaching any of his kids anytime soon, but he counters that he's actually more worried about what Idina's presence might mean for Rachel, not to mention Puck and Quinn. Idina vaguely mentions her intent to "reach out" to Rachel, then dodges the whole issue by somewhat selfishly stating, "Lima's where I made a series of mistakes that defined me for sixteen years, and Lima's where I have to make things right again." This should work out well for everyone involved. Will decides to take Idina at her word, and they part on decidedly amicable terms after agreeing that more arts programs can only be a good thing for the children of McKinley.

Cut to one of those children getting her face pushed into a toilet by Quinn Fabray and The Skanks. "Give us your lunch money," Quinn demands of the hapless and now-drenched underclassperson once the latter has resurfaced. "We're hungry," Skank Number One states, "and we need something to barf back up." "Don't test me," Skank Number Two menaces when the hapless underclassperson hesitates. "I was a foster kid, which means I'm used to stabbing people." With that, Skank Number Two pokes a spork in the hapless underclassperson's general direction. The hapless underclassperson hands over a wad of drippy bills, wails, "You're so meeeeeeeean!" and flees the ladies' for the relative safety of the hall outside, in the process darting past Sue Sylvester, who ambles in for a private chat with Quinn. As The Skanks obediently file out, Quinn makes to ignite a fresh, soothing Newport 100. "First of all," Sue curtly begins, promptly yanking that fresh, soothing Newport 100 from Quinn's mouth, "smoking kills." "Second," Sue continues, allowing a wonderfully conspiratorial smile to cross her lips, "it really does make you look cooler, doesn't it?" "Sorry, coach," Quinn sasses back, "but you have no power over me anymore, 'cause I've got nothing left to lose!" "Oh, Q," Sue sighs, "I look at you, and I'm stunned -- you've never looked worse! You lost your child, your boyfriend, your rep, and even worse? Your high pony." "You know who I blame?" Sue wonders rhetorically. "The Glee Club." "When you were in my grasp," Sue continues, "you were at the top of the pyramid, but then you joined the Glee Club and became lost, forced to sway in the background. Will Schuester never did appreciate the gentle tremble of your thin, forgettable alto." Hee. Quinn finally thinks to ask if there's a point to all of this, and Sue makes Quinn an offer: Her congressional campaign is producing a video entitled "A Day In The Life Of A Girl From Whom The Arts Stole Everything," and she'd like Quinn to star in it, for what I hope are obvious reasons. Quinn agrees, but only under one condition: She'd like thrift-store couches placed beneath the stadium bleachers, because she's realized that "after smoking all day, it hurts to stand." It's a deal.

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