I Am Unicorn

Episode Report Card
Demian: B- | 1 USERS: F
Straining Harsh Discords And Unpleasing Sharps

Teachers' Lounge. Coach Beiste, Will and Emma chat amongst themselves until sweet, sweet Sue enters to greet them as "She-Hulk," "Weepy The Vest Clown," and "Little Miss Golden Marmoset," respectively. The golden marmoset, Sue delightedly explains, is both a Brazilian monkey and Emma's spitting image. "I'm gonna send you a photo," Sue promises as she takes a seat at their table. "Are you still at FreakishBonyGinger at Gmail?" Yes, I tried sending that address an e-mail. No, I have not received a reply. Yet. Will chooses to ignore Sue's gentle teasing and instead chipperly informs her of Quinn's return to New Directions. "Sorta throws a wrench into your whole campaign commercial," he smugs. "Actually, Butt-Chin," Sue replies, "I couldn't have written it any better myself." "In fact," she continues, "it gives my campaign a whole new narrative: Quinn Fabray is an addict, and she's relapsed back into her Glee Club addiction." "You see," Sue triumphs as Will aggressively rolls his eyes, "the arts are like crack, but much more addictive, and not nearly as glamorous." Her new crack-themed spot starts airing tomorrow, but her modified strategy is already showing results. "I've made hating the arts into a brand," Sue explains. "People are hurting, unemployment is up, the dollar is weak and the arts smack of elitism and self-absorption and indulgence and privilege. When times are tough, that's something that Americans cannot stomach." Just then, her cell buzzes, and it's a text message from the ever-faithful Becky -- a text message "replete with hilarious auto-corrects," by the way -- that brings with it the joyous news of Sue's ever-skyward rise in the polls. She's now up nine points on her Republican challenger, "pizza magnate Reggie 'The Sauce' Salazar," which means she's in first place. It also means she shouldn't be sitting with a bunch of losers like She-Hulk, Weepy The Vest Clown and Little Miss Marmoset, thank you very much, and as Sue rises to leave, Will leans in close to Emma's ear to panic, "What are we gonna do? We cannot let her win!" "Then we gotta find someone with credibility to run against her," Coach Beiste shrugs. Will gets An Idea. This should suck.

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