Gilmore Girls
The Hobbit, The Sofa, And Digger Stiles

Episode Report Card
Pamie: A | Grade It Now!
Parents Just Don't Understand!

At Aaron Thompson's richy-rich party, Lorelai is trying to con some kid of out of his ring. But the kid won't do it, blah blah blah preciouscakes. Helen Thompson hates her life. She brings in two more kids for costumes. Their names are Redmond and Riley. Who names someone Redmond? Lorelai introduces herself as Cruise Director Julie. Another kid runs up and whines, "Lorelai! My hood is loose!" Riley -- apparently quite an asshole -- says, "Her name's Julie, stupid!" Then Redmond, Riley, and Hoodie get into a fight about cruise directors and whatever, in the course of which Hoodie calls Riley a retard. I had to turn the closed-captioning on because asshole Riley's a mumbler. He says, "You fart with your face." There are times when I remember why I don't have any children. And those times are ages two to twelve. Lorelai tells them that Lord of the Rings is all about the love. Hoodie says it's about the destruction of all mankind. Lorelai tells them to go play lovingly. Helen is upset to find out that Lorelai hasn't brought any swords for the kids to play with. A girl runs up and whines that Riley (seriously, this kid's an asshole) told her that only boy Hobbits can go up to Mount Doom. Lorelai, for some reason, tells her that's true, but that's because girl Hobbits have to do much more dangerous things: "Ever heard of a Brazilian bikini wax?" Do not leave this woman unattended with your children. Sookie shows up here and waves her hand. "So girls go on adventures, too?" the little girl asks her. "And they go in heels," Lorelai says back. Yay, gender inequality for all. Sookie asks if Raleigh and Cheech are here. Those are their two hired chefs, I guess, because Lorelai says they've been chopping away for an hour. Sookie asks if there are enough costumes. Lorelai says that the screen is up, the tables are set, and four kids are crying, so they're right on schedule. Lorelai shouts that it's coming up on Elevenses and the Hobbits are hungry. The kids cheer back, so Sookie runs to the kitchen. The sword man shows up, and the kids swamp him. Lorelai and Helen look at each other nervously, which I don't understand, since Helen was just wanting swords but Lorelai didn't have any. Who's the sword guy? Why the worry? What? No explanation? Okay. I'm cool with letting it all go. I totally don't care about Hobbits, anyway.

Digger shows up at Emily's house. They compliment each other. Digger tells Emily she's cheated God. That's because she paid for God to go to Yale, and God owes her for the rest of His life. Emily asks Digger how his mother and his mother's horses are doing. All are fine. Emily knocks on Richard's door. Digger tells him he appreciates him taking the time to do this. Emily tells Digger to say goodbye before he leaves. Emily mouths "Be nice" to Richard over Digger's back before she goes.

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Gilmore Girls




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