Gilmore Girls
A Tale Of Poes And Fire

Episode Report Card
Pamie: A | 3 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
The Tell-Tale Episode

Welcome back.

We open at Luke's. Rory and Lorelai are pondering over Pro and Con lists for Princeton, Yale, and Harvard. From our vantage point, it appears that Rory hasn't written a pro or a con for any of the three schools. Lorelai stops perusing the Harvard pamphlet long enough to tell Rory that Harvard has the smallest class sizes. Rory goes to mark the first Pro for Harvard, but Lorelai stops her. It seems these aren't the "official" Pro and Con lists; the lines are crooked and the lettering is sloppy. Those three schools deserve neater lists. Rory notes that the schools won't see these lists. "What if they subpoena them?" Lorelai leans in to ask. Rory answers that she'll roll them up in a ball and eat them. Lorelai finds a Pro for Yale: 1100 members of the maintenance staff. Rory is sure that the other schools are just as clean as Yale even if they don't "crow" about it, which leads to a debate about whether or not Princeton would have just two janitors for the entire campus. Lorelai tells Rory to write down that Princeton is stinking and filthy. Rory pretends to write it down as Kirk enters the diner.

Kirk's latest moneymaking venture is t-shirt sales. "Aw, Kirk. You're not selling your laundry again, are ya?" Lorelai asks. Kirk says he's printing daily t-shirts with a humorous topical headline of something he witnessed around town. He got the idea from an article in a newspaper about a man in Portland who makes t-shirts printed with a daily humorous topical headline of something he witnessed around town. Today's headline? "babette ate oatmeal [sic]!" I know about 5,000 posters on this website who would buy one. Hey, Kirk. Over here. Think bigger than Stars Hollow. Outside the box, buddy. Kirk pounds his chest with his fist and says, "I'm keeping it real." The girls compliment the shirts, prompting Kirk to ask how many of the $14.95 shirts he can put them down for. Luke busts in here and tells Kirk that there are no solicitors allowed in the diner. Kirk offers to give Luke a cut of the sweet action. Luke offers to toss the shirts out the door first so Kirk has something soft to land on. Kirk leaves.

Luke asks what the lists are for. Lorelai informs Luke that Rory has been accepted to Yale, Princeton, and…what was the third? Oh, yeah. Harvard. As if Lorelai wouldn't have already informed the entire town and made Kirk print up a hundred t-shirts listing the names, asking townspeople to vote for their choice of Rory's collegiate fate. Anyway, this prompts the best hug in the history of this show, an awkward under-the-chin face pat from Luke. Rory gives a confused, "Oh," as Luke tries to be affectionate and proud. He then apologizes for not being so good at hugging. Hee. It's only on this third time watching that I notice Lorelai's reaction to the hug, and it's just as funny as the two in the awkward embrace. She goes, "Oh. Wow. Oh." Then Rory fixes her hair. Love it. Luke asks what the lists are for. Lorelai says they use lists to make all of their important decisions. Luke wonders why they even need a list, since Rory's going to go to Harvard, since she's always wanted to go to Harvard and has decorated her room in Harvard and her first word was Harvard. "Probably," Rory says. "But not necessarily," says Yale. I mean, "Lorelai." Luke suggests that Rory attend the school that teaches you how to make an important life decision without resorting to stupid Pro and Con lists. Lorelai: "Do not mock the scientificity of our selection process." I'll take that made-up word as a shout-out, if you don't mind. The rest of this scene is clearly a shout-out to the posters who have been debating Rory's college choices for three years. Rory excuses herself to get to school, but Lorelai says she shouldn't have to bother now that she's been accepted to college. "Let's go truffle-hunting or something," she says. Combined with Six Feet Under, it appears television's Word of the Week is "truffle."

Rory leaves, and Luke marvels again about how great it is that she got into all three schools. Of course she got into all three schools. She's Rory. Everything is always perfect in Roryland. Luke is apologetic concerning his news about Jess. Lorelai asks to hear it anyway. Jess has been selected Employee of the Month over at the Wal-Mart. My friend Jessica -- who's filling in for Djb who quit the job to move back to New York, who was filling in for Stee who quit the job when Rory and Jess got together, who was filling in for Ray who quit the job when Lorelai got engaged to Max Medina -- gets her Eddie Vedder button pushed and scoffs, "Wal-Mart! This show is sponsored by Wal-Mart? That sucks. I hate corporate sponsorship during the…you should mention that in your recap. That sucks. Wal-Mart. They suck. I hate Wal-Mart. They wouldn't have a Wal-Mart in Stars Hollow." I didn't want to explain to her where the Wal-Mart was and why it was there, as she was busy throwing popcorn at my television, making hissing sounds. Anyway, Lorelai is as proud of Jess as Luke is, and asks if he told Jess he's proud. Jess didn't tell Luke about it. He only found out because Wal-Mart sent a letter home to the family, inviting him to the ceremony. Lorelai asks if he's going to go. Luke: "Oh, he'd hate it if I was there. You know, seeing him participating in some corporate ceremony like that, being called upstanding and responsible. It would kill him. Yeah, I'm going." Lorelai calls him a "good boy." Luke looks over at Kirk, who immediately swipes his t-shirt display off his table and goes back to innocently sucking a straw. Cue the opening credits.

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