Game of Thrones

Episode Report Card
Monty Ashley: A- | 12 USERS: A
I Got You a Box of Snakes

Later, the advisor and the two Targaryens look at a picturesque creek. The advisor butters up the brother, telling him that the people drink secret toasts to his health, and that he'll soon be king. Viserys takes offense at being told not to ask the Dothraki about the rumors that they have sex with horses, but the advisor covers himself with the claim that "Kings lack the caution of common men." Viserys explains his plan: "I give him a queen, and he gives me an army." Daenerys, who is barely clothed, suddenly pipes up, "I don't want to be his queen. I want to go home." Viserys tries that condescending, sarcastic tone that we remember from Snooty back at the top of the show. Or maybe you don't. To be honest, I just wanted to use the name "Snooty" again. Anyway, Viserys: "So do I. I want us both to go home. But they took it from us. So tell me, sweet sister, how do we go home?" The answer is that they use this guy's army. She's a little dismayed about being used this way, so Viserys explains that he'd let the whole tribe fuck her, if that's what it took. And the horses. Yeah, he's almost definitely a baddie.

"Do you think Joffrey will like me? What if he thinks I'm ugly?" Oh, hey, we're back in Winterfell. It's Sansa, who's going on about how handsome Joffrey is while Lady Stark does her hair. Lady Stark is sad about Sansa possibly leaving and going down to King's Landing, but Sansa points out that Lady Stark left her home to get married. It's something aristocratic daughters do, you know.

In the kitchens, people are chopping up rabbits. Poor bunnies! Ah, it's the big feast-slash-reception for the king, which means there's a lot of people at wooden tables, pounding metal goblets in tune to a reel being played on an unseen violin. The king grabs women and makes out with them right in the middle of the room, whoring it up while his queen watches.

Out in the courtyard, Snow hacks up a practice dummy. Chop! Chop! He's interrupted by a someone asking, "Is he dead yet?" This is Uncle Benjen, who rode all day to be here. Snow explains that as a bastard, he shouldn't be at the feast. Benjen, it turns out is one of the people from up on The Wall. Snow wants to go join up with them, saying, "I'm ready to swear your oath." Benjen delivers some vital exposition about the Wall, explaining that the people on The Wall have no families and will never father sons. Snow thinks that sounds just fine, and Benjen goes off to the feast. Snow turns back to his practice dummy and he's interrupted again. Man, this guy just wants to be left alone to beat up on a practice dummy, but people are constantly bothering him. This time it's Tyrion Lannister, who makes a point of calling Snow Lord Stark's bastard. This is useful for purposes of exposition (Snow's father is Eddard Stark, but Cat is not his mother), but it also serves the character, because Tyrion is doing it just to get under Snow's skin. And then he tells him, "Let me give you some advice, bastard. Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not." But, Snow objects, Tyrion is a dwarf, not a bastard. "All dwarves are bastards in their father's eyes." Zing! And now that Tyrion's drunk enough to enter the party, Snow is left along again. Back to chopping!

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Game of Thrones




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