Game of Thrones

Episode Report Card
Monty Ashley: A+ | 89 USERS: A
A Drink Before the War

Cersei asks if Sansa knows what happens when a city is sacked. The answer includes the phrase "a bit of a rape." And Sansa is now lucky to have her "red flower" because it means less chance of a bastard. Cersei's fun when she's drunk!

Stannis's longboats get rowed toward the land. Tyrion says that Stannis is a serious man. Joffrey starts to panic when he realizes they're coming ashore. "There's too many!" he squeals. Tyrion tells someone to rain fire on them. Then he tells the Hound to form a welcome party for any Baratheon troops that reach solid ground. The Hound goes off to do just that. Isn't he supposed to wait for orders from Joffrey? Tyrion tells Podrick to go to King's Gate and bring any men guarding it to them.

The Hound walks down the steps and rounds up his men. And also Lancel Lannister, who may have been hoping to avoid active duty. The Hound also takes a moment to threaten an archer, because he doesn't want any flaming arrows coming near him. So it's now that archer's job to keep the arrows away from the Hound or he'll get strangled by his own guts.

The archers on the wall light their arrows and pull their bows. Stannis's men land and swarm up the beach. The arrows rain down on them again and again. There are a lot of men storming the beach. Many of them are hit by arrows. Some of them, including Stannis, reach the base of the wall. A man on top of the wall throws a heavy stone down that appears to completely destroy the head of the guy next to Stannis. Another rock fails to kill Stannis, because he has the sense to hold his shield over his head. He sends men to the Mud Gate. This is because they had to land farther from the gate than they wanted to. That's about all the geography we're going to get in this episode, so I hope you enjoyed it.

The Hound and his men swarm out of the gate. The Hound announces, "Any man dies with a clean sword, I'll rape his fucking corpse!" If you're keeping track, that's the second corpse-raping reference in this series. The first one was when Yoren was yelling at the Night's Watch recruits. But I thought he was kidding! I guess in this world, their version of Edgar Allan Poe stories replace "getting buried alive" with "corpses getting raped." "The Cask of Amontillado" would be a very different experience.

Fighting! Swords! Axes! Shields! Shouting! Lancel gets an arrow in his shoulder before he actually kills anyone and decides to say fuck this and go back inside. I mean, he does still have a giant arrow actually sticking through his shoulder. I'm not saying I'd be out there getting killed, but all Lancel actually got done was that he fenced with one guy for awhile before the Hound killed his enemy for him.

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Game of Thrones




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