Fraternity Life
Boys On The Slide

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Boys On The Slide

We start the show with a shot of Dan getting the top of his ear pierced. Paul says that Dan's an interesting guy, very unique. Dan brings a lot to the house. Naturally, this means Dan probably dies from a drug overdose this week and we're being privy to an impromptu eulogy right now. Earl asks Dan when he's ever going to stop being weird as Dan walks around the house with a bandanna tied around his face like a redneck Michael Jackson. Dan tells the camera that he does what he wants and doesn't care what others think of him. Which would go a long way in explaining why he's pledging this fraternity.

The obligatory shots of Buffalo. We're showing the sewer system this week. Obviously, we have officially run out of shots of Buffalo. Next week we'll see the crack-whore district. It's early morning as Alex yells at everyone to get the fuck up. Outside, it's nighttime as two of the pledges are boxing. I think one of them is Tim, but I can't tell who the other one is because they're both wearing these big helmets to protect their pretty-boy faces. Paul says there's a lot of tension in the air, so the guys have taken to beating the living shit out of each other in the front yard. Inside, we see Tim and Earl bitching at each other in an attempt to illustrate the aforementioned tension. Dan says that the pledges are screwing up a lot lately. He also adds that he hates going to the brothers' basement for line-up after they've screwed up. I'm frozen in horror as I try to imagine what goes on in that dank basement every time these guys screw up.

All the pledges are at the Frat House in line-up except for Dan, who someone mentions will be late for this line-up. George, who is now referred to as "Biff," isn't happy, because he was apparently all jazzed up to see Dan do some nude push-ups with a tub of Country Crock under his groin so that he's essentially a butterfucker. George is telling the pledges that they all need a very large vote to get into the fraternity, and right now, none of them have a very large vote. A couple of big dicks here and there (as he grins seductively at Jarreau, who shyly grins back), but no very large votes. He reminds them that if they receive three votes against them, they're gone. Their job right now is to impress the brothers. Earl admits that he just banged a stripper last week and several of the brothers stroke their chins, nod their heads slowly, and mumble admiringly to themselves like German scientists. Except for Brad, who looks to be on the verge of tears upon hearing the news. A portly piece of shit named Flounder, who is sprawled in a chair, pipes up like the pseudo-bad-ass that he is and says, "Piss off one brother and it could be the end. Remember that." Seriously, if I had been in that lineup, I woulda whipped my pecker out, urinated all over Flounder, and said, "Oh! I thought you said, 'Piss ON one brother'!" You know...just to watch that tub o' shit sputter my urine out of his big mouth.

Back at the pledge house, Tim and Alex are wrestling. Steve, the Robin to Tim's Batman, helps Tim put a potato down the back of Alex's pants, which is apparently the absolute worst thing you can do to a frat boy these days short of being forced to accept a guy like Flounder as part of your fraternity. Tim explains that it's the pledges' first night of freedom, so they're going to live it up. You know...by wrestling each other and shoving vegetables in each other's pants. They've decided to have some drinks as MTV reminds us of the pledge rule that this is a dry pledge and there is to be no alcohol consumption during the pledge process. Somebody mentions that Flounder is on his way over to the house, and everyone visibly shudders. Apparently, Flounder wants to borrow one of the guys' IDs to get "Conrad" into a bar. Apparently "Conrad" is one of the younger brothers who's not old enough to get in a bar and needs a fake ID to get in. And he needs his name in quotation marks because he's a fugitive from the law or some shit. And now this fact has been broadcast on national television. It seems like each and every week, a new law is broken by someone on this show, and the fraternity gets deeper and deeper in trouble in real life. Well...they don't anymore, since the fraternity has been suspended for being a bunch of fuck-ups. Which is the only enjoyment for me in watching this series -- knowing that these guys are going through a grueling pledge process and the frat is now out of business, so they're doing all this for naught. Is that considered a spoiler? Sorry. Anyway, Tim doesn't want to lend "Conrad" his ID. Earl says that since the pledges knew Flounder and "Conrad" were on their way over, and since those two are about as fun as a bleeding hemorrhoid, they decide to bolt out of the house before the two losers get there. Oops! Too late! Flounder and "Conrad" are waddling up the front sidewalk, picking their nose and ass respectively as the boys try to make a quick exit.

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Fraternity Life

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