Fat March
March Of The Fat

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March Of The Fat

And so the Fat March begins. Lorrie announces their first task -- walk the Boston Marathon. Kim enters the first stage of grief: denial. She turns and gives an "oh hell no" swing of her ample booty, then snarks, "Ain't no way these fat-ass people are gonna make 26 miles. They don't walk anywhere but to the refrigerator." Speak for yourself there, Biggie Smalls. We hear from Loralie as she screams, "Have you forgotten that we're still fat?!" Nevertheless, Lorrie vows to push the marchers to D.C. if she has to.

The next day, the marchers cheer as they parade to the starting line because they haven't yet been beaten down by actual physical activity. Unfortunately, Steve admits that they'll face off against some of the worst marathon weather he's ever seen. Temperatures have dropped to 35 degrees, and snow is predicted. Lorrie brings back the focus to the ultimate goal, saying, "The marathon truly represents the commitment and endurance our marchers will need to complete their journey."

Sam explains that several groups of runners took off before the marchers did: "If you're actually running in the race, you don't want to get stuck behind a herd of cattle." His point is underscored by shots of all the in-shape runners taking off at a gallop while our beloved marchers stand around looking mildly terrified. Finally, the trainers give them the go-ahead, but it looks like it's been hours since the actual marathon began. As they begin to walk, Anthony half-jokes, "I just imagine all these thin people running from the fat people who are walking behind them." And I think to myself, Oh honey, you'd never catch up anyway. I'm going to hell.

Slightly more upbeat are Will and Shane, who form a mantra as they walk: "Twice the man at half the weight." Chantal's own version of this idea is that she's saying goodbye to her inner fat girl with every step. Once they've parted ways, I think Chantal's inner fat girl should come eat some chicken and waffles with me. Despite the marchers' optimism, Lorrie comments that she immediately noticed the physical toll the walking had taken on them. Will asks Steve if they've even traveled a mile yet and asks to take a break. Steve begins what will inevitably be a long and endless string of bargaining and suggests they just keep going.

In the first of several so-so twists, we learn that the marchers were never actually going to walk 26 miles on their first day. Instead, their course changes after 5.5 miles, and they're off to a camping site where they'll sleep on the cold, hard, wet ground. Lorrie walks with Big Kim, who has fallen miles behind. Like so many before her, Lorrie's is growing tired of the former rap diva's constant complaining, saying that her negative energy is affecting the team. Even Wendy, who I pegged at the outset as the whiniest marcher, has noticed Kim's bad attitude. And thus is born Notorious K.I.M.

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Fat March

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