Fat March
March Of The Fat

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Lady Lola: C+ | Grade It Now!
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March Of The Fat

These four intros and the slow trudge up to the trainers has probably taken 15 minutes. With 575 miles still to go, this show might just last through the next three presidential elections. Once they've met the trainers, Steve lays it out for them: 10 weeks. 500 miles. Nine states. The marchers' jaws drop. The only visual missing is a spit-take. Then we first hear from Matt, a pro wrestler, who says that driving 500 miles is "one hell of a feat" (not so sure about that one, Matt), so how are they supposed to walk it? Everyone agrees that they have no idea how this will be possible.

Soon, though, they perk up at the mention of the prize money. Everyone is hopping-excited, and can you blame them? I mean, who wouldn't want to risk years and years of arthritis and public humiliation for some cold, hard cash? At least they don't have to eat bull's balls or cockroaches like in other reality shows. Of course, it's still early in the episodeā€¦ But for now, they face enough humiliation once Steve announces that they'll be weighed in, and their weight-loss progress will be monitored throughout the walk. On a big, Fenway Park-style scoreboard. Tasteful.

First up on the industrial-sized scale is Anthony, the aforementioned 26-year-old virgin. Anthony, like most 26-year-old virgins, lives with his parents, and the producers are nice enough to give us an extended shot of him rolling out of his bed looking not unlike Jabba the Hut. Anthony considers himself a risk-taker but can't indulge that side of himself because "I don't know a place that's going to put a 400-pound person on a bungee jump and say 'Go for it.'" Anthony, meet ABC. ABC, Anthony. He weighs in at 433 pounds, and huge numbers slam down on a scoreboard, dropping like the anvils of judgment. Slapped in the face by reality, he vows to lose weight at each weigh-in. The weigh-in continues. Most are shocked at their actual weights, and set various weight-loss goals.

And before we audience members have the chance to rest on our skinny laurels, we meet our next marcher. Kim, a "former rap diva." Move over, Li'l Kim. Big Kim in the house. Kim says that she used to be "bangin', baby," working out for two hours a day and weighing as little as 118 pounds. Now she struggles with day-to-day tasks. And the producers provide another glamorous ass-shot as Kim squeezes into her SUV. For now, though, Kim says she just wants to return to her former fabulous self.

Rounding out the group we have Jami Lyn, a military wife and mother. Shea, a former softball player, weighs 289 pounds and is pissed that she's the heaviest girl. Finally, the food porn meet-and-greet wraps up with a shot of Shane, the 519-pound Texan minister, pouring ketchup on two huge hamburger and French fry meals. I'm hungry.

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Fat March

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