Fat March
March Of The Fat

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March Of The Fat

It's 2007, and fat is the new black. By which I mean fatsploitation is all the rage these days. And now we have Fat March. Twelve overweight competitors will take part in "an unprecedented weight loss experiment." Over 10 weeks, they'll travel through nine states and walk a total of 575 miles between Boston and Washington, D.C. They're here to "lose weight and regain control of their lives" -- and, of course, there's $1.2 million to split between them. As fatsploitation goes, it's a winning formula. Then we see the signage for the series -- a walking sign which is pleasantly plump (or, if you're familiar with the MySpace lingo, "More to love!"). But it thins out as it walks. So clever you are, ABC! Hallmark-cheesy music plays in the background as we meet our marchers; one of them is a 26-year-old virgin. I know who I'm rooting for…

And now, introducing the marchers. First we have Sam, a massage therapist. He has come to the program because his goal in life is "to try to help people get healthy." Stuffing his face at a Brooklyn pizza joint, on the other hand, is a competitive eater named Will. He explains that he was always an outcast as a kid. People made fun of him because of his size. So he turned lemons into lemon icebox pie and joined the competitive eating circuit. "And I always win," he says with a sly smile on his face.

Not unlike another weight-loss show, there will be two trainers on this show. Trainer number one, Lorrie, predicts that "These 12 people have no idea what they're in for." Steve, her beachy-blond counterpart, snarks, "If they think they're gonna lose weight living in a mansion or sleeping in a comfortable bed or be pampered during their workouts, they got a shock comin'."

As the group ambles toward the trainers, we hear a scream. It's Wendy, a professional singer. She is the embodiment of what would have happened if Natasha Lyonne had turned to ham hocks instead of heroin. Wendy says she gained 100 pounds in three years. Like many of the other marchers, her weight has affected her career, and now she won't even get onstage to sing. Likewise, baseball coach Matt remembers a time when he was in better shape. The good old days. Before he unknowingly signed up to walk 575 miles in 10 weeks.

Chantal, a comedienne, describes herself as "this giant apple in the middle with these stick legs." Mmmmmm, candied apples… She speculates that the show will help her become "hot" and "sexy" and have a better sex life. Sing it, sister. Speaking of sex lives, Loralie wants to get pregnant. She chokes up a little as she describes that her doctor said her weight might present a problem with conceiving.

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Fat March

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