Mars Attacks

Episode Report Card
Wing Chun: D | 2 USERS: A
Mars Attacks

Big ups to Sars, for womanning the Not! Line. Even bigger ups to all our writers and to Glen Jackson of Entertainment Weekly for making Mighty Big TV "the industry standard."

Previously on ER: Mark scratched his nads. I know it was two weeks ago but I still wake up screaming. More recently on ER, Lisa told Carter she was a drunk, and he asked her to be his sponsor; Chen told Weaver she was pregnant; Benton narced on Romano over some EMTALA violations; Mark proposed to Elizabeth, who entered a fugue state and accepted; Weaver and Mark welcomed Carter back to the ER.

John "Crash" Carter stares at the hospital and then strides inside. He passes Luka "Meet Joe Black" Kovac killing a patient in a curtain area and is greeted warmly by "Dr." Dave Malucci, whose hair is...ugh. It's a retina-scorching shade of yellow, like the pith on an orange slice, which really doesn't complement his olive complexion; it's also all Tigi-Bed-Headed down in stringy clumps in the back, and sticking up Tintin-style in the front. If you can imagine what a dandelion might look like if it were inclined to sport a shit-eating grin, you're halfway to picturing Dr. Dave in this scene. Dave, if your aim was to get attention by snatching the title of Mighty Big TV Character with the Worst Hair in History award from Dawson Leery...well, you'll actually have to try a little harder. But you're close. It's so bad that Carter actually asks, "What happened to your hair?" but Dr. Dave ignores the question and brags that Weaver's training him to use the sternal saw today. Cleo "Paranoid Android" Finch quizzically says, "Carter?" as she rolls by accompanying a gurney bearing a car-crash victim bleeding from the mouth...ouch. Chuny speaks Spanish to a woman begging (also in Spanish) for water and drinking out of a mop bucket. Chuny chides her, "That's disgusting!" and tells Carter she's glad he's back, and explains that the patient will drink anything she can get her hands on. Carter does a spot diagnosis of "polygenic polydipsia" and recommends that Chuny check her lytes and call for a Psych consult. Lily gives Carter a hug and tells Chuny that Weaver needs a blood run. Chuny ruefully replies that "Weaver needs to get a couple more nurses" in the ER, and asks Carter whether he can tell they're short-staffed. Jing-Mei "Deb" Chen has given up her concealing clothes and is proudly showing off her fertile womb in a pretty muted plum paisley dress. She turns away from a patient and sees Carter standing behind her; he makes a surprised gesture toward her belly and squeaks, "Congratulations!" She welcomes him back, sheepishly, as Lydia rolls up wearing a mask and pushing an indigent patient in a wheelchair. Apparently he smells, because even before we see him, Chen turns away and covers her nose and mouth. Lydia gives Carter great tidings of a "freak [who] tore off all her toenails with a pair of pliers." The indigent patient yells that he "need[s] medical attention," and Lydia curtly counters that all he needs is a bath. Carter tells Lydia he'll see to the toenail-plucking freak in a minute. He stops a moment to catch his breath and rake his fingers through his hair, then moves on. A security guard greets him as "hey, you," and demands to know what Carter's doing. Carter moves the lapel of his trench coat to show his ID, but the guard identifies it as an old ID and detains Carter until Kerry "Bono" Weaver claims him and tells him he'll need to get a new badge from Personnel. The guard apologizes and Carter pushes open a door...

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