Episode Report Card
Heathen: C- | 1 USERS: A+

Previously on Excellent! Reruns!, Carter rescued Luka from the brink of death in the Congo and got a kiss on the cheek in return. Six months later, he found a horse's head in his bed and took his first pair of cement boots for a stroll in the lake.

A stray fallopian tube beseeches Mother Nature to "Let It Snow," and She Who Is Easy has responded in kind in Chicago with a blizzard. Think she can conjure up cash? Or houseboys? Abby struggles through the snow and slushes into County General, greeted by the dulcet tones of the NBC Vomit Comet: Dream Big, Puke Bigger. She turns her disgusted head toward the culprit -- a Santa who's going to boot camp in a trash can cradled by an unlucky elf, and shakes her head in surprise, like Sloshed St. Nick isn't an annual guest there. "Merry Christmas Eve, huh?" Sam says wryly as Abby unwraps her scarf and warms up. "If you say so," Abby sighs. Weaver immediately gets on Abby about being late. Abby defends that her bus crashed into a UPS truck. Why is she not driving? I guess she and Carter broke up before she could get a guilt transmission out of him. Weaver isn't that interested; she just hands Abby a collection of patients and orders her to start right away. Abby would rather remove her wet shoes, but Weaver is basically like, "Dry off your feet on your own time," and sails out of there, having completed her descent into irrelevance. "Where's she going?" gapes Abby. "Home to wait for the Ghost of Christmas Past to show up," Frank cracks.

As the camera moves -- which it's wont to do because this show is in love with having a camera on rollers -- it catches Gallant giving Neela a compact disc as a holiday present. She thanks him. "I was afraid you already had it," he says. "No, it's great," she says, and I think she means it. I've decided she does, because I think Neela needs to get laid, and gratitude just might be Highway 69 to Gallant's pelvis.

Rolling Cameraman swings back around to Abby, who's gently encouraged by Luka to wait on treating that baby with bloody stool until she's changed her shoes. Frank asks if Abby's opened her trinket from Carter. She's like, "You're not kidding it was a trinket! It was like putting a toothpick in the Lincoln...Oh, wait, are we talking about something else?" Apparently, Carter sent gifts from Africa for everyone. Luka got a tribal mask of some kind that Frank is certain was used in Satanic ceremonies, because for Frank, it all comes back to the devil. Anyone who isn't an overweight, crotchety old man with a buzz cut and the sexual prospects of a eunuch at a petting zoo is apparently automatically a Satan worshipper. Frank hands Abby a package and waits for her to open it. She stares at it as if she fears it's her biological clock, set to self-destruct in five seconds. Luka quickly asks Frank if he sent out the package to Africa. "Toys for Third World Tots? Went out last week," he says. He keeps staring at Abby as she picks off the wrapping with confused irritation and a little embarrassment. "What'd you get?" Frank asks. "A box," Abby says, confused, lifting it out of the paper. Luka explains that it's a tribal shaman's box that medicine men used to store potions. Abby's expression says, "Yeah? Well, now it's an emesis basin that homeless men can use to store urine."

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