Episode Report Card
Heathen: C+ | 5 USERS: A-

Cut to a very small, very loud cargo plane, the likes of which my cowardly princess derrière will never grace. Charles tells Carter that they see a lot of amputees in Kisangani. "Land mines?" Carter asks. "Machetes," Charles answers. Carter asks whether Dr. Kovac is still with them. Charles furrows his brow. "He's tall, Croatian, black hair..." Carter begins, and just as my pants threaten to betray my Luka-immunity oath and catch fire, Charles interrupts with a twinkle, "Ah, Luka! Ah, all the ladies like Luka very much." Phew, trouser crisis averted. It wouldn't be good form for me to break my steely resolve before we've even gotten to the credits. Carter digests this information about Luka with a really hilarious twitch, as if to be like, "Bloody hell, his appeal is global." Charles says that Luka is still in Matanda, a dangerous place where the Mai Mai fight. I don't know if those are the rebels or the government soldiers, so let's just settle on the fact that they are armed men with bad tempers, and leave it at that.

Charles exposits that most of what the doctors see are traumas, diseases, and malnutrition. Now, they're in a jumpy Jeep, traversing rough road. Carter asks if one of those things shows up more than any other. "Depends," Charles says, and he's not referring to incontinence. "On what?" Carter asks. "The day," Charles grins mischievously.

Charles and Carter park in a dirt field later that rainy night. Carter gets out and walks up to a cluster of canopies with families huddled under them, and cots set up for the really ill. This is a wing of the makeshift hospital. Carter drinks this in with wide eyes, thinking, "I thought humanitarianism would be prettier." Charles melodramatically welcomes Carter to Kisangani, and we smash into the credits wondering how long it will take Carter to seek comfort in Luka's manly bosom.

A mosquito buzzes around Carter's face; he slaps it away as he jerks awake. He yawns and sits up, and unlike last week where he woke up at Gamma's mansion, he's in a tiny bed covered with mosquito netting that's apparently not terribly effective. It's one of four beds in a row, all of which are empty. Welcome to Day Two, according to the Graphic of Just Making Sure We're All On The Same Page.

A woman of Indian descent, speaking in accented English, greets Carter and introduces herself as Angelique. She's the on-site NGO physician. Carter quickly asks her where Kovac is, and she informs him that Luka is still in Matanda. "Charles tells me you don't speak French, so I'll get you someone to translate," Angelique says, businesslike. As she and Carter exit the main building and walk through outdoor wards full of more canopies and wailing people, Angelique quickly lays down the law -- how to quickly and cheaply distinguish between pneumonia, cholera, malaria, and late-stage AIDS. Carter asks what drugs she has on hand and is surprised to learn that they are both few and, in some cases, obsolete and no longer used in the U.S. And they also use Beta and ColecoVision! "The horror, the horror," Carter chokes. Seriously, Carter apparently is surprised by everything. He's all, "What? There are Africans here?" There's more hoo-ha about drugs and low life expectancy. "What do you do for resistant bugs?" Carter asks. "Pray," Angelique replies.

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