Just A Touch

Episode Report Card
Heathen: C- | 1 USERS: B+
Just A Touch

Abby's therapy group consists of the usual TV loons: one who gently threatens suicide, one who speaks Klingon, one who is paranoid about bad smells, one who can't smell after his accident ("No one 'accidentally' puts his head in a paint mixer," sniffs one woman), and one argumentative guy in heavy eyeliner who snipes at everyone. Abby seems out of her league, as Big Ears listens as only he can. Abby stands up to get some coffee by the mirror, and you can tell she wants nothing more than to give up that it's a spy mirror by gesturing wildly at her supervisor for some tips. But when none of the patients listens to her and all start yelling, Abby casually lights a cigarette and takes a satisfied drag. This somehow freaks all of them out for different reasons, and they quiet and all offer, in turn, pleas for her to stop. Even cranky old Eyeliner has a sob story about smoking. Having unified the group, Abby drops the cigarette to her right side and chirps, "Now that we've all agreed on something, let's talk about personal goals." We cut away, and I can't for the life of me figure out where she put that stupid cigarette. There doesn't seem to be an ashtray; I think it might be in her coffee. God, I hope she forgets and takes a swig. All this show needs now, after The Great Ball-Handling Brouhaha Of Half-An-Hour Ago, is a grandiose spit-take.

Brunette explains to Weaver that Pratt performed a breast exam on her that he seemed to enjoy a little too much. To me, it looked like he would rather be icing Malarkey's nuts than squeezing her nipple while talking about discharge, lest it sully his impression of the breast as a divine, holy, flawless object. I don't know why I've come down so firmly anti-Brunette. Lord knows I don't like Pratt. I just don't think the scene played out at all like an outsider, a newcomer to Pratt, would think he enjoyed it. I'd be a little more intrigued by the story if, say, Sam, as the observing nurse and someone who's aware of how Pratt jokes and acts, felt that he looked titillated and filed a complaint herself -- thus pitting herself against him in a more meaningful way for the show. But no. Brunette is quick to say she doesn't want to file a formal complaint, but that she did feel it was important at least to mention it. Weaver promises to speak to him, and learns that Sam was the assisting nurse.

On her Pratt-hunt, Weaver bumps into Sam -- en route to a quick lunch with Alex and Steve -- and asks her if she was indeed in with Pratt while he checked Brunette's breasts. "Did you notice anything unusual about the exam?" Weaver asks. "No, why?" Sam frowns. "He gave her a breast exam for back pain," Weaver answers. Sam shrugs that she was on the phone with the blood bank and juggling other patients -- liar; she was on the phone with the blood bank while in the room with Pratt and could easily have turned her lazy back and watched -- so she couldn't possibly vouch for him. As Weaver walks away, Malarkey sniffs, "Sounds like he TUBE-d her." Sam is confused. "TUBE -- Totally Unnecessary Breast Exam," Malarkey giggles. Weaver hears this. "Such an ass," Sam spits. "What was that?" Weaver hisses. "Sorry," Sam says guiltily. Hee. "Not you," Weaver snaps. "Where did you hear that term?" Malarkey sucks wind and innocently insists that he didn't make it up himself. "Who did?" Weaver demands. Malarkey's eyes dart around, because he sucks.

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