Episode Report Card
Heathen: C+ | 1 USERS: A+

A dangerous band of suspicious people congregates near the hospital doors. They are clad in bonnets and period costumes. They are that most nefarious of breeds: minstrels. They're dragging down spirits hospital-wide with their rendition of a dirge-like Christmas carol. Dr. Kerry "Weavus Claus is Comin' To Town" Weaver shoves her way through them, unintimidated by their treacherous vocals, and when her cane gets caught she wrenches it free with a tug that, gratifyingly, appears to jab one earnest soprano right in her bustle. "Try something more cheerful," she crabs. Sure enough, the minstrels oblige. Good minstrels. Our choral terror is no more. Weaver runs into a solemn, whispering Abby and Susan and asks how it's going. "Bad," they say sadly. Weaver asks about Luka's whereabouts. "He went home," Abby says. "Get him back here," snaps Weaver. Abby suggests that he needs time. "Get him back," insists Weaver, annoyed. She takes off. "It shouldn't have happened," Susan sighs. "It's not his fault," Abby swears. "He missed it!" Susan counters. It, it it. Somewhere, in a dense forest far, far away, those brave Knights Who Say "Ni" are cowering in agony. Abby rationalizes that Luka's just burned out. Susan doesn't seem convinced.

Frank and Jerry, also clad in Claus garb, squabble about who owns the job. "I always thought of you as a big man, but compared to Jerry, you're just sort of an ambitious elf," says Dr. Robert "Rocket" Romano with glee. Then, he disappears, the bastard. Come back! Jerry and Frank continue bickering, but really, no one cares which one of them is Santa. They're only here so that Abby and Dr. Jing-Mei "All the Way" Chen can whip off some one-liners, neither of which are that funny, so take that, writers. I'm not recapping them.

Weaver reminds everyone that two traumas are en route. Abby's covering them; before any other words are spoken, a gurney bursts through the doors and we see Erin Harkins "The Herald Angels Sing" lying unconscious, slightly bloodied, and very dirty. Just in case our powers of deduction have taken a bathroom break, Abby gasps, "Oh my God, it's Harkins!" Weaver exposits that she's a med student there. Michael "Oh What Fun It Is To Ride" Gallant coughs up her measurements, and Jerry and Frank join hands and form with their bodies the letters that spell out, "She's the irritatingly perky one." Are we all clear? Good. "Was she alone?" Abby asks. "She was with one of your doctors," replies the medic. As they speed Erin down the hallway, Abby turns toward the door and sees Dr. Luka "Come, All Ye Faithful" Kovac striding darkly through the hall. I choose that word because, in addition to his black garb, his expression is blacker than the coal in my stocking. He's bleeding freely from the head and walking with sexy purpose. He's Mr. December for Hot Head Wounds Monthly. Romano takes one look at Luka starts humping his leg. Or, he screams for a wheelchair. Chen jumps three feet into the air. Luka ignores her and stares right at Abby, who gapes a little. We fade into the credits wondering if it's wrong to find gushing blood so damned attractive.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19Next





Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP