ER
Abby Normal

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Abby Normal

I just violated a very long-held personal belief that one should rarely, if ever, deploy exclamation points. Although I sometimes allow them when riddled with sarcasm, so I think I can still sleep tonight.

Abby does a Psych consult on a guy who was walking down Michigan Avenue with a sword. "There were no buses," he says in his defense. "Okay, I was more interested in the sword part," Abby says dryly. My sister Julie takes this opportunity to unsheathe her authentic British naval officer's sword, because really, one doesn't get too many opportunities in life to unsheathe a sword without its being dangerously out of context. There are some shenanigans on the show about a guinea pig named Cookie whose days of hay and pellet-shaped excrement may be over, having been forced to give over its blood to this wacko's costume, but I stopped transcribing at that point because Julie still hadn't returned her blade to its home, and typing at sword-point is surprisingly difficult. Malarkey is there, but do you care what he said? You don't. Neither did spell check.

As Abby walks through the ER, Chen wheels in a seizing woman whom Abby recognizes as Seizure Mom; she halts Chen's prescription of Ativan and explains that it's a fake seizure. Chen trusts Abby, and promises to push saline so that psychologically the woman thinks she's been treated and stops convulsing. Sure enough, despite a skeptical look from Haleh that would wither a plastic rose, Chen gives Seizure Mom the saline and she calms down in an instant. Take that, Haleh. Abby learns that the woman has had three to four seizure a day since her last ER visit, so she pulls aside the husband, Nick; she explains that his wife's head scan and EEG were both normal after her last seizure, indicating that it's psychosomatic. He's irritated and wants to talk to a real doctor, but Abby insists the words would be the same and tells him that the only way his wife will get admitted and helped is if she's sent up to Psych. He agrees reluctantly, and Abby heaves a sigh.

While phoning up the details, Abby's interrupted by Elizabeth, who's wondering if Abby has seen Kerry. She's worried, and isn't sure whom else she can talk to about Kerry, because nobody else really cares where Kerry is beyond a nagging urge to hide her crutch somewhere obscene. "She seems distressed," Elizabeth says. "She's in mourning," Abby counters. Elizabeth adds that she thinks Kerry wants to flee with Henry; Abby nods that while she's sympathetic to Kerry, Elizabeth might want to speak with someone closer to her. "Right," Elizabeth nods. "Like who?" Whom. Right? Cue the lovely and talented Wing Chun -- boss, grammarian, friend, and lethal killing machine. ["Oh, dude. 'Who'/'Whom' is my Waterloo." -- Wing Chun]

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