Affliction (1)

Episode Report Card
Reed Cries When He Spies
Major props to Belch and Gytha because, man, did we laugh at this episode or what? Also, it was really nice of them to stick around after it was all over and help the Evil Dr. Mathra put all the gray matter back in my head. I should also give additional props to the Evil Dr. Mathra for conking out on the floor and snoring through all our screeches, Tivo pauses, and even louder screeches, and for waking up occasionally to mutter, "Quantum, you're SUCH an ass" at all the right times. Which were many.

On a dark Klingon ship (or it could be a building on the homeworld, it's way too dark to tell), a targ steals food from a table. Some Klingons drag another Klingon into the room and hang a plastic bag full of green goo above his head. If this teaser has something to do with foreheads, I'm automatically giving the whole episode a C. The kaptive Klingon whines (in Klingon, so the whine gets lost in the translation) that he wants to see the magistrate. His additional whines of "My death sentence was commuted!" are ignored as he's stabbed with an I.V. He pants as the I.V. is flicked and dripped. The camera closes in on his bumpy forehead. No. Please -- this can't be! They aren't seriously -- they are. The Kaptive Klingon screams and moans as Janet Jackson nipple after-effects fuzz out his forehead. I can't believe this! They are actually going to do this? I LIKED Worf's enigmatic "We don't speak of it with outsiders" in "Trials and Tribblations." That was ALL the explanation I needed for what essentially boils down to a MAKEUP DECISION! WHY BERMAGA WHY?!

From the Mixed-Up Files of Keckler E. Drunkard:

It's been a long brew
Chugging from there to here
It's been a long brew
But my burp is finally near.
And I will see my foam come alive at last
I will down the dregs
And they're not going to have last call no more
No they're not going to throw me out
'Cause I've got BEER in my hand
I'm going where my throat will take me
I've got BEER to drink
I can chug anything
I've got strength of the glass
No wine's going to bend or break me
I can reach any tap
I've got beer
I've got beer
Beer in my hand

Enterprise has returned home for the official launch of Columbia. Quantum logs, "I'll also be saying goodbye to one helluva Chief Engineer." No, you won't. Do we even SEE a scene of him saying goodbye to Trip? Or an honor guard such as the one Worf was given? No. You know why? Because Quantum's a jerk. And he clearly lies to his starlog as well, which means he lies to himself, and that's just so sad I don't even know what to do with it. Trip packs. Pack, Trip, pack. As the Trumpet of Historic Astronaut plays (you may remember the Trumpet of Historic Astronaut from such things as The Right Stuff, Apollo 13, and various PBS documentaries on stuff that happens in space), Trip stares out at the Columbia all snug as a spacebug in her Giant Hairclip. T'Pol walks in for the Heart-Wrenching Scene of Are You Leaving Because Of Me No I'm Not Well Okay Then See Ya. "She's a thing of beauty," Trip sighs. I'd like to make it clear to the ironically impaired in our audience that he's talking about the ship, not the desiccated corpse of Jolene That Was. T'Pol comments that Columbia is virtually identical to Enterprise. Trip responds, "Ah, a good engineer can see the differences." Which means that the two ships look exactly the same to Trip. He wonders if T'Pol is going to go to the Mess Hall for his going away party. "I don't understand the logic behind this transfer -- you're not being promoted," T'Pol comments. Trip hedges on his reasons until T'Pol finally asks, "Are you leaving because of me?" "Starfleet's approved the transfer," Trip says. T'Pol points out the obvious in that Trip didn't answer her question. Trip looks her in the eye and says, "This may come as a complete shock, but not everything in mah life revolves 'round yew." EXCEPT WHEN IT ALL DOES! Baby. T'Pol doesn't know where to look, so she leaves.

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