Valentine's Day

Episode Report Card
Uncle Bob: D+ | Grade It Now!
Happy V.D.!

Here we go 'round the Edberry Bush so early in the morrrrning. Sorry, folks...in a last-ditch effort to get rid of this nagging cough from hell, I have upped my dosage of prescription cough syrup to "Lethal." Yes -- this could turn out to be the most exciting ride since "It's A Small World" opened up.

Now then...onto this week's exciting episode of Edward....

Ed opens with the now prerequisite "Previously on Ed" recap. In a nutshell, Ed has fallen for Bonnie; Carol's not thrilled about it; and the concept of "Wall-to-Wall Whores" to boost attendance in the bowling alley, raised in Episode One, has still not been pursued, which leaves Uncle Bob a very sad man indeed.

We kick off the show with Ed and Bonnie waking up in bed together. Oh, that's great "family" material, NBC: two unmarried people having the sex thang. If I were any more of a prude, I'd be scraping my eyeballs with a spackler right about now. And in case there's no such thing as a spackler and it's a word I just made up due to the excessive amounts of cough syrup I just ingested, substitute the words "pointy-assed stick" in its place, please. Ed asks Bonnie whether she's ready for his traditional morning-after joke. She says she is. He holds out his hand and says "Hi, I'm Ed Stevens. And you are...?" Bonnie chuckles more than she probably should. She's probably heard that same line in the same situation hundreds of times before and, yes, I'm insinuating that Bonnie is a whore...got a problem with that?! Ed asks how she likes her eggs, and then guesses "Denver omelet." Bonnie shoots down Ed's egg plans by saying that she has to get to work and catch up on some stuff, about which she doesn't go into great detail. Sounds to me like the traditional morning-after blow-off. I've heard enough of those to recognize them a mile away. Ed tries to talk her into eating one of his Denver omelets, which is the only breakfast named after the mile-high city, but she gets up out of bed and starts getting dressed. Ed looks dejected, sad, and pissed that he bought all those eggs for naught.

At the bowling alley, Ed's taking care of business when Mike walks in. Mike wants to know how the night went with Bonnie. Ed says great. Mike wants to know on a scale of one to ten, and Ed says, "Eleven." But he's giving himself an eleven, not Bonnie. Ouch. Mike reminds Ed that he's married, and that he needs adjectives and adverbs like "blood-curdling" and "passionless." Ed says that he doesn't think that sleeping with Bonnie was such a good idea, after all. Mike looks at his watch and documents the time and date as the day Edward J. Stevens became a homosexual. Mike offers Ed his full support towards his new lifestyle. Ed explains that he and Bonnie have nothing in common, and that he doesn't see a future with her. Mike asks whether Ed's going to tell Carol, and Ed says he isn't, because she went nuts on him the last time when he didn't tell her about Bonnie. Shirley brings Ed his Denver omelet, and Mike grabs it and begins chowing down as if it were for him. Ed looks depressed again. This is twice that Ed has looked down and out, and the opening credits haven't even run yet.

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