The Stars Align

Episode Report Card
Uncle Bob: C+ | Grade It Now!
"Knock Knock." "Who's There?" "That Skank Ho Bonnie Hane." "That Skank Ho Bonnie Hane Who?" "That Skank Ho Bonnie Hane Is Baaa-ack!"

Greetings Ed-Head! Originally, I wanted to open up this recap with what I did on my summer vacation, but it's just too damned depressing. I was a pallbearer at a friend's funeral, I quit my cushy job and started a lucrative career in the world of coffee table books, I went to the doctor more times than most people go in their entire lives, and had one doctor tell me that if I don't lose weight I'm going to die. Oh...and it burns when I pee. So. How was your summer? Yeah, yeah, yeah...like I care. I've got a show to recap. I didn't come here to listen to you bitch into your monitor like we're lifelong buds or something. Get a therapist, kid. Let's spin this cat by the tail and get started recapping.

We open with a recap of the entire first season done in forty-five seconds, ending with the cliffhanger of Ed and Carol about to get it on for the first time when the evil Bonnie Hane shows up at the front door. Y'know, I spent an average of four hours on each of twenty-two episodes last season, meaning I wasted eighty-eight hours of my life on Ed last season, and NBC manages to sum up the entire shebang in forty-five seconds. Yes...I feel like my existance is justified. For those of you who had the foresight to say, "I think I'll just wait and see if Ed gets renewed for a second season before I get involved with the show," here's your Mighty Big Synopsis. In a nutshell, Ed's a lawyer who also owns a bowling alley. He moves back to Stuckeyville because he's still harboring a crush on a girl from high school, Carol Vessey, who is now a teacher at the high school they both attended. Halfway through the season, Ed became mesmerized by a district attorney -- the evil Bonnie Hane -- who is as beautiful as she is deceptive. There are lots of wacky characters who fill out the rest of the show's cast, which has drawn comparisons to the ensemble casts of Northern Exposure, a slightly more humorous ER (if it took place in a bowling alley) and a ribald variation of Meet The Press (if Tim Russert were a lawyer).

After the recap, it's time for the thrilling beginning of the second season of the show that "America Loves...And For Those Of You Who Don't Love It, We Here At NBC Will Be Shoving It Down Your Stinking Throats, Dammit." Ed is standing in the doorway of his house, staring at the evil yet unbelievably sexy Bonnie Hane. They stare at each other for just short of an eternity before Ed breaks the ice with the always chipper "What are you doing here?" Bonnie assures Ed that if he would invite her in, she will tell him. Which is the same line Jason Patric fed to Corey Haim in The Lost Boys, and Corey damn near got his neck chomped on as a result. And let's face it...Bonnie Hane is infinitely more dangerous than your average vampire. I just hope for the show's sake that Ed has a closet full of turtlenecks nearby.

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