The New World

Episode Report Card
Uncle Bob: F | Grade It Now!
Mommy, Why's The Principal Vomiting in a Trash Can?

I am so not looking forward to this recap. Each week, it's getting harder and harder for me to recap this show, because the positive elements are dwindling faster than Bob Dole's erections. The show that once packed more laughs per minute than your average Special Olympics telecast is now about as funny as a Meryl Streep movie.

Let's give it a shot anyway.

Previously on Ed, a new principal started at Stuckeyville High. This principal pissed Carol Vessey off every time they crossed paths. He had the generous nickname "Principal Jackass" bestowed upon him, and worked hard to live up to it on every episode. Carol got tired of trying to reason with the guy, so she frenched him in front of her house, hoping that would "snap him out" of his general pissiness. This week, we get to see if it worked. Yawn.

The show begins with Mike and Ed rummaging through the Stuckeyville Farmer's Market, which is apparently a pretty big deal, but has never been mentioned before this episode. They're talking about Thanksgiving and why the pilgrims should have been thankful. Naturally, one of the reasons is that they didn't have to sit through this painfully unfunny episode of Ed. Ed and Mike see a sign announcing that the annual Stuckeyville Thanksgiving Parade has been cancelled. This pisses off Ed, who demands to know why there won't be gaudy floats and idiots dressed like pilgrims goosestepping up and down Main Street. Mike says that nobody wanted to have a parade because "things are bad." Obviously, this is a reference to the hell that Osama bin Laden has put our country through. Either that or a reference to the latest Michael Jackson album. They're looking at pumpkins when Mike bets Ed ten clams that he won't walk up to a pair of ladies and say, "Excuse me, ladies, but I just wanted to inform you that I'm a jackass." Apparently, things may be "bad," but there's always enough cash flow for a humiliating ten-dollar bet in the Burton household. Ed doesn't think the bet's all that imaginative, so he decides to take him up on it. Ed walks over to the ladies and says, "Excuse me, ladies..." One of the ladies says, "What do you want, jackass?" Mike enters the scene about to bust a gut, and pays the ladies as well as Ed, finding the whole thing uproariously funny. I check my watch...fifty-seven minutes left.

Opening credits. I go to check on my dog, who sounds like she accidently impaled herself on a set of butcher's knives. She's safe and sound. It's that damned theme song again.

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