Ed
Power Of The Person

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Power Of The Person

A commercial for Orange Clean. I hear this stuff's pretty good at removing dirty grease and grime. But if it's all the same to you guys, I think I'll stick with Mango Clean to continue cleaning my nether region.

Diane and Warren go to see Diane's rabbi. Warren has brought refreshments and offers the rabbi a Cran Grape. The rabbi turns it down, but Warren insists that he drink it. The rabbi gets a little nervous and decides to drink it rather than having Warren kick his holy Jewish ass. Warren asks the rabbi to explain to Warren why he should become a Jew. The rabbi is taken aback, and Warren explains that he's a free agent and wants the rabbi to say something that would make him choose the Jewish faith. The rabbi says that's not how they do things around these parts. He asks Warren to ask him some questions about the faith. Warren asks how much he needs to pray, adding that the rabbi should keep in mind that Warren's a busy guy with a tight schedule. Which means he whacks off several times a day. The rabbi says that's up to him, but for an orthodox Jew, three times a day is usually kosher...no pun intended. Warren whistles and asks if there's any wiggle room with the three-times-a-day rule. The rabbi says that there is some wiggle room. Warren wants to know how much pork he can eat and still keep kosher. The rabbi says none. Warren wants to work something out there, because Warren loves his morning bacon. Warren asks what he has to look forward to in the afterlife. He asks if the rabbi can guarantee him he'll get into heaven. The rabbi says no, not per se. Warren says he's heard enough, and tells the rabbi he'll keep in touch as he gets up to leave. Diane sits there, mortified. She can't believe she's secretly fallen in love with this moron.

The gang is all at the Goat, eating baked clams and loving every slimy morsel. Molly asks why all cartoon clams have big eyeballs on top of them, because even though her failed relationship with Jim exhausted all storylines that featured her prominently, the writers still like to throw her a bone once a week in order to keep her around so they can say, "Hey, look...Molly's still on the show!" Nice try, writers. Carol and Jackass show up, and the guys groan. Molly insists that they should be nice, because Carol's nervous about easing Jackass into the group. Greetings are exchanged; Jackass grabs some clams and starts telling a story about Morty's in NYC where he had the best baked clams ever. Then afterward, he walked out onto the street and saw Roy Orbison fall flat on his ass. This is a complete and utter shout-out to everyone's favorite fictional uncle because I, Uncle Bob, used to see Roy Orbison shop for groceries at Winn Dixie in Hendersonville, Tennessee back in the '70s. And one time, I saw him bust his ass reaching for some Geritol from the top shelf. And when I got through laughing at the guy, I asked him if he'd be "cry-hi-hi-hiing...over [his] busted ass" which was a joke on his big hit song "Crying." And he may not have gotten the joke, I'm not really sure. But he didn't cry. And he needed help getting up. Some older people helped him to his feet and chided my teen punk ass for laughing at the "musical legend." Yeah, right, Gramps. It's not like Elvis just fell flat on his face in the dairy aisle...this is Roy F'n Orbison. I dunno. I don't know why I even bothered telling you this story. The only true part of it is I used to see him shopping for groceries. I never saw him fall. I just want to be as cool as Jackass, I guess. Which would explain my sixth beer.

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