Ed
Power Of The Person

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Power Of The Person

MegaMark and Warren show up at Diane's house all dressed up in suits. Diane answers the door and asks them if they're traveling vacuum-cleaner salesmen. Warren wants to make sure they're dressed okay, because he's scared they're disrespecting the sabbath. She introduces her mom, who greets them, "Shabbat Shalom." Warren responds, "Shabazz Stallone." Mom tells the boys to make themselves at home. Warren asks if they should be bowing or kneeling or something. Diane hands them both yarmulkes and tells them to put them on...their heads. Mom asks for Diane's help in lighting the candles. MegaMark notes how sexy Diane looks, bathed in the glow of the candle, and is trying to get Warren to realize that Diane is the girl for him. Warren won't have any part of it. Warren asks how he looks, and MegaMark tells him he looks like Yentl. You know, I never would have realized that if MegaMark hadn't pointed it out, but Warren looks exactly like Barbra Streisand if she were a nervous and sweaty teenage boy.

In Carol's classroom, all the kids for Quizbowl are filing in. This kid Gary is among them. He looks like a cross between the gay guy in Metallica and a high-school version of Son of Sam. All the kids groan when Gary walks in the room, which is ironic, because that's the same effect I get when I walk into my workplace each morning. Ed shows up; he's jazzed to be coaching the students in Quizbowl. He announces himself as a former Quizbowl champion, and wants a show of hands from everyone who's competed in Quizbowl in the past. Everyone raises their hands except Gary, who looks like he's reeling from a heavy dose of methamphetamines. Ed tells Gary he's a lucky man, because everyone else in the classroom has done this before, but they've done it all wrong and Gary's the only one who's going to learn it properly. He asks them when they should buzz in. A kid says they should buzz in when they know the answer. Ed says, "EHHHH! Wrong! You should buzz in when you THINK you know the answer." He throws his coat at Carol and starts getting into the whole scene. He asks them all to split up into groups of three. Gary tries to saw his arms off with a switchblade. Ed patiently explains that Gary didn't mean for each student to split himself into three pieces; he meant that Gary should join two other students to form a group of three. Gary nods and drools and sits with the dweebs behind him, who are clearly terrified of this monster.

Back at The Bowl (has it gotten any catchier yet?), Phil is introducing Kenny and Shirley to the future of boxing: two dock workers named Roy and Carl. Roy asks whether he may smoke. Phil reminds Roy that he's the good guy, and has an image to uphold. Carl asks if he can smoke and Phil tells him to light up. Kenny asks if they're boxers, and Roy says they aren't. Phil asks them to stick with their phony back stories, and explains that Carl was born in Russia and was genetically engineered to be a lean, mean fighting machine. He's now known as the Irish Prince. Because he moved to Ireland. Then there's Deadly Roy, a former Green Beret who invented the show One Day At A Time. Shirley asks him if he knows Bonnie Franklin. Roy says he does, and that she's a great broad. Shirley beams as if she's the president of the Bonnie Franklin Fan Club. And the vice-president. And the entire roster of members. And now, in my attempt to draw as many sick perverts to my recaps as possible, I'd like to include the phrase "Nude Bonnie Franklin photos" and hopefully this recap will show up at the top of every search engine's list. Yes, I'll do damned near anything to get more people to read these recaps, short of offering money and valuable prizes.

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