Power Of The Person

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Uncle Bob: A | Grade It Now!
Power Of The Person

Over at the Bowl (it's my new nickname for Stuckey Bowl. I think it'll stick if I can just manage to shove it down your throats enough), Phil, Shirley, and Kenny are watching that Don King TV Movie that won Ving Rhames a Golden Globe several years ago. The award he turned over to Jack Lemmon on live television. I bet Ving's kicking himself in the ass now: he's doing Radio Shack commercials, Lemmon's dead and buried, and that Golden Globe's on some shelf in a Beverly Hills pawn shop. Smart move, Rhames. Why don't you slip Bob Hope the keys to your Porsche, you dumb sumbitch. Sorry. It's the Honey Lager talking. Anyway, Phil says he wants to be just like Don King because Don King's the smartest man in the world. Kenny asks if he's smarter than Einstein. Phil concedes that if there were a chess match between Einstein and Don King, Einstein might win, but Don King would own the board, own the pieces, make a million dollars after selling tickets to watch the game, and be able to talk Mike Tyson into gnawing Einstein's ear off. Carol comes in looking for Ed, and Phil looks uncomfortable around her. Maybe it's because they're the two most hated cast members on the show and when you get the two of them together, there's some friction. I dunno. All I care about is this luscious beer #3. Carol goes off to find Ed, and Shirley says that Don King and Einstein had the same hairdo: both fluffy. No argument there: Don King could be Einstein's love child if you look closely enough.

Ed's in his office, going ape shit because Carol has asked him to coach the Quizbowl team. It really is cute watching him act during this scene. Ed hasn't shown this much unbridled enthusiasm since he got the chance to perform his sexual "To Do" list on Kelly Ripa. Ed's accepting the honor of being the coach and reliving his shining Quizbowl moment when he answered the correct question "Which president was nicknamed Old Hickory?" Naturally, it was our seventh president, Andrew Jackson. Here's another trivia tip for you: Uncle Bob grew up less than five miles away from Jackson's White House, The Hermitage, in Hermitage, Tennessee. It's true. It's damned true. Carol tells Ed about Gary Morton: Gary's a student who's going to need some extra special nurturing. He's all sullen and quiet and never gets sociable with the other classmates. Ummm...Carol, babe, Gary sounds like the school's drug dealer. It may be in your best interests to leave ol' Gary alone, allow him to peddle his smack to the freshmen, and quit meddling, or he's bound to pop the proverbial cap in yo' ass. Ed's still reeling from the news and yells, "How many stomachs does a cow have? Bing! Four stomachs! That's right! Who da Quiz Man? Who da Quiz Man?!" Carol answers, in a much less enthusiastic tone, "You da Quiz Man." Ed calms down slightly and says, "Sorry. I love the Quizbowl." That's obvious, Eddie. The only time I ever get that wound up is when I fantasize about ways of humiliating my mother-in-law in public.

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