Ed
Power Of The Person

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Power Of The Person

Warren and Diane are in a quiet classroom. Warren's scoping out the Dianemeister (which is my new nickname for Diane), and not a moment too soon, with two episodes of the current season left to air. Diane comes over, sits next to him, and asks what Isaac had to say. Warren is very short with Diane and says they talked about God stuff. Diane asks if something's wrong with Warren, other than the obvious fact that he's mildly retarded, and Warren gets all defensive, saying that Diane is always picking on him -- pick, pick, pick. Diane recoils like most women do when Warren speaks to them, and tells him to have a great spirituality quest. Diane then asks Warren if it's that time of the month for him, and Warren says she's a regular Howie Mandel. She certainly has the hair, that's for sure.

Ed and Mike are walking down the street, dribbling a basketball and talking about a pick-up b-ball game they must have just finished and to which we were fortunately not subjected. Ed spots Jackass falling out of a bar, drunk off his jackass. Ed notes that he's smashed. Jackass is trying to get into his car, but drops his keys on the ground. Mike and Ed approach Jackass, and he recognizes them as the Lone Ranger and Tonto. Ed asks when Jackass started drinking again; Jackass says he doesn't know, because he didn't put a clock on it. He tells Ed that he's an alcoholic, like that's a big shock. The urine-soaked crotch in your slacks tipped us off, there, Jackass. Ed asks if there's anyone they should call, and Jackass tells them to call his sponsor Cal so that Cal can tell Dennis not to drink, like that's going to work now. Ed tells Jackass that they're going to drive him home. Jackass tells Ed that he's a good man. Mike agrees that Ed's a good man. Jackass says he's not good; he's soooo good. Because here's Jackass, who's banging Ed's dream girl, and Ed's taking care of Jackass like Jackass is Ed's good buddy. Ed slams Jackass up against a car and informs Jackass that he's drunk, and just because Ed's taking him home, it doesn't make them buddies. Wow. Shades of Starsky and Hutch here as the show takes a somewhat violent turn. Jackass says that he loves Carol. Ed just stares at him. You can tell Ed's contemplating the dreaded finger jab into the shoulder, but he restrains himself, because he's too nice a guy to lay into a drunken bastard. Me? I would have written "I hate you Carol Vessey" in Magic Marker on the guy's forehead, forced the guy into a ballet tutu, dropped him off at Carol's porch, rung the doorbell, and run. But that's just me. I have no tolerance for drunken blowhards who show no respect for others. We go to commercials, so I tell my bitch-ass wife to get up and get me another one of those damned Honey Lagers now before I kick her ass to the curb and change all the locks my damned self.

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Ed

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