Ed
Pilot

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Kim: D | Grade It Now!
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Revamped? More like ReCrapped

Some chick who looks a little bit like Scary Spice was watching the video footage on a computer, and she turns and says, "You've gotta be kidding me!" and then asks Derek and Jason what happened next. Derek says, "They caught us and they killed us." Scary Spice believes it for a second, like how dumb is she? Then she says it's not easy always being the one left behind, so clearly she is the Velma in this Scooby Gang. Derek reveals that Scary's name is "Lan" (pronounced "Lahn") and says they can't waste her brain out in the field, and she keeps the whole operation going. He butters her up some more, and she says, "Really?" and he says, "Absitively!" Ugh! No one talks like that! No one, ever, has said the word "absitively," and if they did, they should be shot. He asks Lan to figure out what made the severed head's eyes move. After she walks off, Derek looks...something (Ethan Embry's not a very good actor, so I can't tell if he's upset with Lan, or with himself, or not upset at all). Jason asks what's up, and Derek says that they needed the severed head because their "new subscribers are down 37%" and that's the third time this month that Mahlburg scooped them. Subscribers? So their revenue depends on subscribers? No wonder they aren't making any money. ["Pfft -- really. Everyone knows that revenue model does not work on the web, and only total idiots still try to use it." -- Wing Chun] Jason throws a dart into a poster of Mahlburg on the wall, and asks if business is really that bad. Derek says that if they were a horse, they'd have been shot by now. Jason looks at the image of the severed head on Derek's computer monitor, and shakes his head. This is important later.

Derek walks over to the fridge and looks at a picture of himself and Adam. See, they're twins. But Adam's hair is slicked back because he's the Elizabeth, and Derek's hair is wild because he's the Jessica, in Wakefield terms. Jason reaches into frame and grabs the last can of soda before Derek can get it. Then there's a really weird scene that I guess was inserted to "lighten up" the episode, where Jason talks about some chick named "Sissy Bargo" who has gotten fat, but still turns him on, and it disturbs him. So, Jason is dumb, inconsiderate and offensive. And they keep him around, why, exactly?

Derek logs onto his computer and is told he has eighty-seven new messages. ["Rookie!" -- Wing Chun] This causes him to comment to Lan that "the wack pack has been busy." As his email messages load, Derek looks at a picture of Adam and some chick and says that maybe he should have left the website the way Adam left it. Lan comments that it was a "dry, academic wasteland of occult novelties" and that even the name sucked. Yeah, because "Freakylinks" is rocking the house. Adam sees one email with no subject from a "Lazarus," so he opens it. A QuickTime video launches wherein a woman with braided hair walks by and then someone who looks remarkably like Adam follows her. Derek calls Lan over, and she accuses him of "stalking women at the ATM." Derek says it's not him (didn't she notice the slicked-back hair?) because he doesn't own a bank card and he's never been that place in his life. Lan asks if it's a video of Adam before he died, but Derek points out that "the time code" says that the "footage was taken the day before yesterday." Yeah, and I'm sure the time code couldn't be faked. I still don't get how these people are supposed to be searching for the truth behind strange stories, and yet they don't seem to be at all cynical or skeptical. That was my first thought -- that it was faked.

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Ed

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