Mind Over Matter

Episode Report Card
Uncle Bob: C | Grade It Now!
Friends Don't Let Friends Scam On Their Potential Boyfriends

I'm worried about Ed.

This show started off so well, and now it's just kind of limping along like a three-legged dog, waiting for some sheer stroke of genius to come along and improve it. And unless the powers that be wise up and realize that I am the saving grace that Ed so desperately needs, I'm worried that it's going to keep cascading down into a sea of shittiness from which it will never emerge again.

Or it may fly. What the hell do I know? I thought Hudson Hawk was sheer brilliance.

Anyway...on with the show.

Mike is playing pinball in the bowling alley when Ed walks up and starts encouraging Mike to "nudge it." Repeatedly. Whatta pervert. I mean...right there, I wanted to turn off my television, email Wing Chun, and say "This Ed show has gone a bit too far, and I'm never recapping it again." But as it turns out, Ed's telling Mike to nudge the machine in order for it to perform better. My bad. Mike loses the ball, and Ed asks him whether he's seen the newspaper today. Mike says he hasn't. There's terrible news inside the paper: Jasperbowl, in nearby Jasper, is being torn down and made into a mini storage facility. Wow. That, my friend, is terrible news...right up there with Columbine and the Oklahoma City bombing. This means that Stuckey Bowl is now the only bowling alley in the area open for business. Mike says that this is good, because Mike is a capitalist and abhors competition in any form. Ed says that Stuckey Bowl will never be torn down while he's alive. Mike pipes up with the terrifying notion that there will be no one there to guard Stuckey Bowl when Ed croaks. And when you're dead, anything can happen to your memories. Ed says that he doesn't want that happening, while Mike -- who's learned how to tune out just about anything Ed says that reeks of "soul searching" -- bets Ed ten dollars that he won't yell "I love kitties!" at the top of his lungs in the middle of the crowded bowling alley. Ed does it and feels embarrassed afterwards. I don't do it, but feel embarrassed for Ed just the same for having the weekly $10 bet sink to such asinine depths.

Credits roll. You know, I don't know who half these people are whose names roll past in the credits. I don't know which actors play Molly or Warren or Dr. Jerome or hardly anyone. Do you ever get the feeling I could very well be the biggest slacker that MBTV employs? ["Well actually...nah." -- Wing Chun]

Back at the alley, Shirley is asking Kenny which he thinks would make more money -- a talking dog or a flying dog. Kenny chooses a talking dog, while Shirley opts for the flying dog, because you could put on more of a show with it. Ed walks up and interupts the conversation, backing up Kenny's choice of a talking dog, because the dog could ask for the money himself. Kenny and Shirley stare at him like he just told them he'd contracted scabies. Harry Lockmather walks in. If I recall, Harry was on Phil's bowling team during the episode when Warren was trying to impress Jessica by being on a bowling team. I wish the girls in my high school were so easily impressed. I had to have a fake I.D. and a ten-inch tongue to impress the hot chicks in my high school. Ed asks Harry how he's feeling, what with that wicked arthritis that has stricken him. Harry does a couple of knee bends and declares that he's more fit than Jack LaLanne. Apparently, a doctor has been giving him Hexomyacin, which is some miracle drug that has cured his arthritis once and for all. Now his knees bend like first-year Tupperware. Phil walks up and greets Harry, "Harry Lockmather, you old bag of gas!" They get caught up on Harry's arthritis; Harry bitches that the pills cost him $85 a week, but that he's never felt better. Phil asks Harry why he hasn't checked into getting generic pills, and Harry says there are none. Phil shakes the bottle of pills and tells Harry not to worry about it; he "knows a guy" who can take care of this for him. Ed gets a bit agitated and asks Phil why he always has to "know a guy"; why can't he just say he knows a pharmacist or a guy who works as a drug company rep? Phil snickers and tells Harry not to even bother Ed until he's had his second cup of java in the morning. Harry stares at him blankly.

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