A Job Well Done

Episode Report Card
Uncle Bob: C | Grade It Now!
A Job Well Done

Hey, kids. Just a friendly reminder: your old Uncle Bob is under the influence of half a bottle of Sudafed, so this recap may make about as much sense as your average Freddie Prinze Jr. movie. For those of you who make it all the way through, there's a Tootsie Pop waiting for you at the end! No, really. There is. Let's get to recappin'.

Ed and Mike are sitting in one of Stuckeyville's many fine upstanding parks while The Evil Baby Sarah -- who is considerably less evil this season than last season -- rests on Mike's lap. Ed informs Mike that he's come up with a theme song for The Evil Baby Sarah, and 99% of the television viewing audience is hoping it will become the new theme song to the show, replacing the gawdawful hack job that is currently occupying that spot. Mike wants to hear the theme song. Cool. It goes a little somethin' like this: "Hello my name is Sarah, I am an evil bayybeee. I live in Stuckeyville, and I'm going to grow up to be the Antichrist and everyone will scream my name in terror as I drag those who haven't been saved down to my hoary netherworld where they will be cast into pits of hellfire for all of eternity...mayyy-beee." Of courseit was all sung to an infectious, jangly melody. Well, as jangly as you can get while singing about destroying the free world. Mike barely noticed the theme song, since he was watching an older man playing ball with his son. "I don't want to be an old dad," Mike tells Ed in a wistful manner. Ed is peeved because he doesn't think he received enough credit for his witty theme song. I'm peeved because I had my first child at age thirty-eight and am one of those "older dads" Mike doesn't want to be. Well, I'll tell you something, Mr. Doctor Mike Guy Person Thing: being an "older dad" isn't so bad, son. I don't make near the mistakes younger dads do. Also, I make more money than younger dads do, and can afford nice things for my son, whereas a young punk out of high school struggles to buy baby formula. So stick that up your tight biological clock-ticking ass, you rat bastard. I don't need to listen to you whine, BOY. I don't! I don't...I....Well, I guess I need the money that comes from watching this malarkey and then recapping it. So I'll keep watching. But only because my little boy hasn't learned how to stop shitting his pants yet and still needs his Huggies. So Mike starts babbling that he thinks he wants another kid before he gets too old to be a decent father. Ed could give two cat craps about Mike's incessant whining, and lays down the weekly $10 bet. He bets Mike that he won't get on a children's play horse and yell, "Look at me! I'm a cowboy! Yeeeeehawww!" Mike walks over to the horse, plops down, and yells the prize-winning phrase. A lady walks past, and Mike says "Ma'am" like an authentic cowboy. He then falls on his ass as the horse bucks him off. Tee hee. Don't be talking smack about old dads, Mikey. Instant karma's gonna get ya.

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