Episode Report Card
Monty Ashley: C+ | Grade It Now!
Like Charmed, But Older
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Eastwick is a homey, New England-y place with tourists in stocks and mock witch-burning. It reminds me a lot of Stars Hollow from Gilmore Girls, which is apparently because it's filmed on the same set. As we take in the homey New England atmosphere, a woman's voiceover asks us questions like "What if the gifted ones are still here among us?" In case you're interested, this is not from the book. It's just, you know, stuff. The gist is that women in Eastwick used to have magic powers. And maybe they still do! (Spoiler: yes, they do.)

And let's meet one of them now! Or anyway, her cleavage. This is "The Blonde One", although I'll just tell you now that her name is Roxie, and she snaps at someone for checking her out while he's supposed to be looking at the sculptures in her little stall. You know, if you don't want tourists staring at your boobs, you should either not wear something so low-cut or not have a stall devoted to selling things to tourists. Also, you should probably stop being Rebecca Romijn, because c'mon. Everyone's staring at those things. A young lady who is presumably her daughter sasses her about alienating the customers. And if you're a fan of hamfisted foreshadowing, you'll enjoy this conversation where the daughter (Mia) insists that her mother is not psychic, no matter how many dreams she's had that come true.

Then, as Roxie hides from a character named Homer Purley (whom she owes rent money for her store), a fifty-cent piece lands on the carpet next to her. It's weird that it made a tinkling noise. Oh, and that it fell from nowhere. That's also weird. Mia's worried about becoming a hobo, and Roxie encourages her to be more daring and sneak out of the house.

Now a new character enters the scene, and the stall, by hopping over a shelf. He makes out with Roxie while she asks him to show some discretion, and Mia slinks off to some guy who's waving to her. There are a lot of characters being introduced here. Roxie's man assures her that no one is looking, talking about them, or even caring.

Naturally, we immediately cut to somebody doing all three. It's a guy in a dirty flannel shirt, carrying a beer. And he calls Roxie a cradle-robbing slut, although it's not like Rebecca Romijn looks all that old. The point is to establish this guy (Raymond) as a jerk so we can feel sorry for his wife, The Redheaded One (Kat). Actually, Raymond has two cans of beer in one hand, drinking from one and keeping the other ready in case of emergency. One of their five children starts running around shouting "Slut! Slut! Slut", which would be a pretty funny audio track to add to a dance mix. Kat has a lot of ripe tomatoes, which frustrates Raymond for some reason. Just then! One of the kids regurgitates a mysterious fifty-cent piece. The ponderous voiceover pokes us to make sure we've got the idea that maybe some women in this very town might have magic powers.

Hey! It's Sara Rue! Too bad she's just the sidekick (Penny) to The Brunette One (Joanna), who rapidly exposits that the two of them work at the newspaper and that she (Joanna) does not stick up for herself at work. Also, she's mousy, which you can tell by the way has glasses and wears her hair in a bun. Anyway, their boss Clyde is a creep who brushes against their breasts at work and Joanna has a crush on Will the Photographer. She even named her vibrator after him, which is obviously the sort of thing you say immediately before you realize he's right behind you. And there he is! Joanna starts stammering and trying to get out of this awkward situation, but she only makes it more awkward by claiming that it's named after Will Ferrell. Oh, now I'm supposed to picture her, her vibrator, and Will Ferrell. That's awesome. I'm really glad that's happening. Penny finally tells her to stop talking and they leave. Joanna asks why she can't be a completely different person. And just then, a fifty-cent piece flies out of the air and hits her. It's like there's someone standing offscreen getting impatient at all this exposition. I support the cause of throwing things at these people. Joanna agrees to come over to Penny's house that night and drink wine.

The voiceover continues and we learn it's being done as part of a children's story-time thing in the middle of the town square. It's being done by "Aunt Bun", played by Veronica Cartwright, who was in the movie The Witches of Eastwick. And it says here she was on Leave it to Beaver and gave Beaver Cleaver his first kiss! So that's something. Roxie waves to her and then moves on to the fountain.

Roxie stands looking at the fountain, while Joanna and Penny watch. Penny snipes at Roxie, calling her "the merry widow" and objecting to "her so-called art" being sold around children. Said art, incidentally, looked pretty much like fertility idols, so you need some imagination to make them obscene. Roxie prepares to make a wish with her magic fifty-cent piece. Penny doesn't want to participate because making wishes is a waste of time, and thankfully Joanna cuts her off before she gets too far into it. Joanna will also be making a wish. Banjo music starts, because I guess banjo music is magical now. Kat also comes up to the fountain with a couple of kids (one of which stops shouting "Ice cream!" long enough to point at Roxie and shout "Sluuuuut!") and finally the music swells and they make their wishes and throw the coins. They throw them pretty high, I guess, because we see the coins hit about fifty feet in the air. If the coins hadn't hit each other, they definitely would have flown completely over the fountain. And since they've got the CGI machines already going, why not show a million ants crawling up Aunt Bun's legs? What the? Anyway, our first real shot of Roxie, Joanna, and Penny all together is as they look over at the shrieking Bun.

Credits! Well, Title Screen, anyway!

Joanna and Roxie are in a depressing place that can only be a hospital waiting room. Roxie's there as Bun's friend, and Joanna is there as a reporter. Although she's just sitting there drinking coffee, not digging around to get the scoop. That's what reporters do, you know. I saw it in a movie from the 1940s. Joanna introduces herself to Roxie, and it turns out that Roxie has an excellent memory, because she tells a story about a time that Joanna and Penny came to Roxie's store and called her art pornographic. Well, Penny did. Kat turns out to be a nurse and comes out to report that Bun had a stroke and is in a coma. So naturally, Roxie invites these two virtual strangers over to her house to get drunk, and equally naturally, they accept.

In Roxie's incredibly spacious dining room, Kat gushes about the hummus. It transpires that Roxie has dropped out of culinary, dance, art, and bartending school. At least. That's a weird thing to be smug about. Also, she apparently became amazing at each of those things but still dropped out. Don't stay in school, kids!

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