Eastwick
Mooning and Crooning

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Monty Ashley: B | Grade It Now!
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The 93rd Return
o loud. It's probably something very meaningful and important, but it's pretty much completely incomprehensible.

A restaurant. Darryl is drinking alone when Kat walks in wearing a boob-exposing dress. She slinks onto the piano and sings in a voice that, frankly, sounds dubbed. The kids on Glee are better lip-synchers. Meanwhile, in an alley, Roxie has sex with Chad. And Roxie sees Mia walking into jail. As she rushes Chad toward the car, a police officer (wondering if everyone in town has lost their damn minds) arrests them both for public indecency. Well, this isn't going to help Roxie's reputation any. As Kat sings, the restaurant's candles and fireplace flare up. Somewhere, Mia, Josh, and all the other kids in town are TP'ing a tree enthusiastically. Joanna, surprisingly, is at her desk, working diligently. Good for you, Joanna!

When Kat finishes her song, the candles flare up so high, the curtains catch fire. In the Eastwick Gazette offices, Clyde is apparently working during the party, and Joanna bullies him into printing her story. As he leaves his office, we learn that Clyde is pantsless. Joanna and Penny celebrate, each in their own way. Joanna celebrates by jumping up and down joyously. Penny celebrates by grabbing Joanna and planting a big kiss right on her lips. Oh my! Then Penny looks Joanna in the eye, slaps her firmly on the butt and walks back into the party.

Chad and Roxie are in jail. Chad's being kind of a baby about it. Mia shows up with Josh, because they've been arrested for TP'ing the school. That's vandalism? Seriously? Oh, right! Josh is Chad's younger brother. I totally remember that. Anyway, Roxie yells at Mia, which is a tough position to pull off when you were in jail first. Roxie calls Mia a liar, although I don't think Mia's actually had enough lines to have lied about much. She explains that she didn't tell Roxie about her friendship with Josh because she's embarrassed about being Josh's friend. She doesn't want anyone to know, see? Meanwhile, Josh is looking kind of hurt. I mean, he's sitting right there.

Outside the burnt-restaurant, Kat flirts with a volunteer firefighter. Oh, it's Will the photographer, I think. He's not wearing the glasses. He bandages the scratch she got from falling off the piano, and after some banter, they kiss. There's an electric spark between the two of them. I think you shouldn't flirt with people at an accident scene. It's inappropriate.

The next morning! Kat wakes up in a couch and is greeted by Joanna, who looks at the red dress with a raised eyebrow. Kat starts to describe the evening but clams up when she remembers the part about Will. Joanna starts to leave for her morning jog but stops when she sees the morning's Eastwick Gazette, with the headline "MEET SEBASTIAN HART". Most of the front page is a color picture of Darryl Van Horne. There's also an enormous caricature of Joanna, which I think is weird for a news story. Normally you only get drawings of the columnists, not the news writers. Joanna panics. The phone rings! Clyde is furious! It's a disaster! Darryl is also furious!

People try to clean up the town. Even that cool spraypainted unicorn is getting painted over. Penny greets Joanna at the Gazette and claims that she might have been roofied. "Did you roofie me?" Joanna isn't following this, so Penny makes her position clear: "For the record, I like guys. In fact there's one guy that I'm, like, really kind of into, and he has a penis." Joanna is not prepared to deal with this right now and kind of shakes off Penny's whole deal in favor of Clyde's ranting. Penny wishes her luck and scampers off.

Clyde's office. Clyde is reading Joanna the riot act about sneaking libelous material into the paper. Darryl's sitting there getting more and more annoyed and finally cuts him off. He asks Joanna why she'd do this to him. She claims that the questions are valid and that Darryl should have answered them on the many occasions she asked them. She suggests that either he's very shy (not likely) or that he's got something to hide. Darryl agrees to do the interview. Right now. "With witnesses", meaning Clyde and Fidel. Where was he before 1984? In West Germany. What about the dead Darryl Van Horne? "My father's brother's child, tragically stillborn. All first-born sons in my family are named Darryl." How about that Sebastian Hart photo that looked just like him? Joanna admits that the photo was missing and implies that Darryl stole it. Although she backs off that part when pressed. She objects to Darryl's lack of a German accent, and he promptly speaks perfect German (I'm assuming; I'm not really a professional linguist over here) to Fidel, who hands her a sheaf of documents. Darryl acts disappointed in Joanna, and she apologizes. He complains about "the press" and "journalists", which he apparently hates. He and Fidel leave. Clyde fires Joanna.

Roxie's pad. She's made chocolate chip pancakes in the shape of Care Bears for Mia, who is a little pouty and resentful. Kid, here's some advice: never turn down chocolate chip pancakes. Roxie apologizes for the mixed signals she's been sending. It's true, half the time she's saying "Go out! Be free! Have fun!" and the other half she's saying "You're grounded." She promises not to smother her daughter but asks that she still be included in Mia's life. Mia accepts this. With their relationship fixed, Mia tells Roxie that she really likes Josh but is worried that he won't forgive her for all that stuff she said right in front of him. Roxie starts to work on an apologetic text.

Kat looks at the wreckage of the restaurant. Darryl shows up and brushes off her apology, pointing out that his company made the candles that burned the place down. Incidentally, they're in front of a place called "The Flower Cauldron". Kat has some kind of hangover, and Darryl spins that into an elaborate theory about how everything that feels good has a cost. Fidel pulls the car up. Exit Darryl.

Chad and Roxie have a brief talk about the younger generation and agree that Josh and Mia like each other. Chad wants Roxie to practice her psychic powers, and she reluctantly agrees to practice. But instead of seeing the ace of spades, she sees herself and Mia at a funeral in the rain. Bum bum bummmmm!

You can email Monty at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.

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Eastwick

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