Eastwick
Mooning and Crooning

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Monty Ashley: B | Grade It Now!
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The 93rd Return

Oh, hi! I firmly deny that I forgot this show existed during my week off.

Darryl is dining with the witches and making single entendres about putting his duck in their mouths. Also the mouth of the old woman at the next table. Kat is giddy about being free of Raymond, which she demonstrates via the ancient art of throwing asparagus at people. Joanna panics when Will walks into the restaurant (not as big a coincidence as it might sound, since it's a really small town) and is chastened when he walks past her, firmly ignoring her. Kat is having none of this! She throws down her napkin and walks up to Will to tell him how great Joanna is. Will doesn't buy it because of the thing Joanna did to him last episode. You know. That thing. Anyway, Kat snaps "You're acting like a moron. Smarten up and be nice to Joanna!" She returns to the table.

Now they're interrupted by Pastor Dunn's wife who reports that the Pastor has vanished, leaving her and the children by themselves. She's also angry at Roxie and Kat for no apparent reason. She tells everyone at the table that they make her sick.

Anyway, it's time for a plot. As Darryl and the witches leave the restaurant (the Eastwick Inn, one of the many places Darryl owns -- incidentally, shouldn't several Eastwick residents have become pretty rich overnight from selling their land and businesses to Darryl? Who used to own the Gazette?), Darryl tells them about this legend that Eastwick is on a sacred site which is a vortex of supernatural power and energy. So I assume they'll be getting a Vampire Slayer soon. Anyway, once a century, the moon grows to three times its normal size, which is something called "the wild moon", and it causes wild orgies. That's happening tomorrow. Darryl backs up his astrological babbling with some astronomical babbling. He proposes a toast the "the 93rd return", which will be tomorrow's foolishness.

Mia is video-chatting (these kids today! With their hair and their clothes!) and making the dude on the other end say which teacher he'd make out with. Then she notices the dragon poster on his wall and objects to it, because she's one of those people who thinks dragon posters aren't cool. Then Mia closes the laptop because Roxie's home. Roxie promptly grills her about who she was talking to and they promptly get into a fight. Roxie grounds Mia, who responds with a strangled "grar!"

At the Eastwick Gazette, the next day's paper needs some filler. I bet that happens a lot. Joanna pitches Clyde some kind of story about lobbying, zoning, drinking, and bribery. He's instantly bored and demands more stories about pastors and hookers. Again, I would like to remind everyone that the first issue of this paper we saw had a front page story about the book club meeting being moved. The bar has not been set all that high. Clyde threatens Joanna with an assignment about Eastwick's oldest cat.

Joanna goes over to Penny and complains. Penny reminds her that she has a great story "right there under your ass, waiting to be told". I'm not sure I'm 100% comfortable with that metaphor. Joanna rejects it because it's just a bunch of unformed theories, and also because all their evidence was stolen. But Penny's secret source has been leaving lots of evidence on her doorstep and Joanna hasn't been following up on any of it. Penny has a theory, which is that Joanna likes Darryl and doesn't want to write a story about his secret past because she'd rather hang out with him and her new friends. Sounds to me like Penny's got a point. She's clearly right. Also, she's ticked off that Joanna's hanging out with people who aren't her. Penny manages to harass Joanna into calling Dominic Savage to find out what he knows about Darryl.

Roxie is at her store, considering the morality of reading Mia's diary. Chad rolls in to demand slunch (sex+lunch). Roxie tells him that she might by psychic and is trying to find out if she can read the diary without reading it. Seems like she could try that out on something other than her teenage daughter's diary. Chad promptly tells her he believes her, and that he's read "a ton of books on people with strange powers". How many of them had the words "The Uncanny X-Men" on the cover? Oh, wait, he actually does mean graphic novels. Well, so much for my clever joke. Anyway, Chad's really excited about being Roxie's Professor X, although he amends that to being her Yoda when he finds out she doesn't know who Professor X is.

Kat is eating alone. Darryl shows up and smarms at her about how she should have company. She explains that this is on her bucket list along with learning to flirt, baking her own crackers, and reading The Time-Traveler's Wife. Would it have killed them to have her plan to read a John Updike novel? (note to self: make sure Updike didn't write The Time-Traveler's Wife.) Darryl mocks the list, suggesting that she should aim higher than just renting a DVD of The Fabulous Baker Boys. Kat explains that she wants to be a sexy lounge singer like Michelle Pfeiffer. Darryl strolls over to the piano (there's a piano here!) and starts playing. Kat is too embarrassed to sing in public and leaves.

Chad holds up a card (the three of clubs, for all you Penn & Teller fans out there) while Roxie tries to guess it. She doesn't do well. But at just that moment, Mia and her frizzy-haired beau walk out of the school. Oh, wait. I put in that "just at that moment" part assuming something coincidental was going to happen, but it doesn't. This is just a different scene. Mia's friends come up and the guy splits. I learn that his name is Josh Burton. Back to Roxie's! Say, the moon does, in fact, look giant. Anyway, Roxie is stressing out about being a lousy mother. And also, where's Mia, who's supposed to be grounded? Roxie sees the giant moon and picks up the phone. It's Mia, who hangs up when Roxie tells her to come home. As Roxie's about to leave, she guesses the top seven cards of the deck in a row. Nice job!

Joanna and Penny! Joanna made that call at some point, and Dominic Savage was Darryl's right-hand-man in New York. Darryl committed insider trading! And ... wrongdoing! But he doesn't have any evidence and Joanna can't quote him by name. Penny calls Joanna's attention to the giant moon (which presumably only looks triple its normal size, because otherwise the tides would get all screwed up) and Joanna declares that the only solution to their problem ... is to party. Just like in PCU! And House Party! And also House Party 2, I think.

The streets of Eastwick are alive with people having fun and looking at the moon. Kat looks longingly at a red dress in a window. In the Eastwick Gazette offices, a full-scale rager has broken out. Telephones are dangling from the ceiling. That's crazy! Joanna's sitting on a copy machine, both because it's warm and because Penny is handing out the Xeroxes of Joanna's butt. That's a little weird. But no time for that now! Joanna has a plan! The questions are the story! Is Darryl really Sebastian Hart? Is he a corporate criminal? That's terrible journalism, incidentally.

Roxie and Chad roam through the streets while asking people if they've seen Mia. Roxie asks one kid if he's seen Mia. He has not. Roxie has a psychic vision and sadly tells him that he should go home because his mother has just found the pot he stashed in a hollowed-out Biology textbook. Man, that's no time to go home. That's when you least want to be home. Let her calm down a bit first. Roxie tries touching the next few people on the street and gets psychic flashes about the location of their keys and the sexuality of their lovers. Things on the street start to get out of control, with people spraypainting unicorns on walls and white-haired grannies making out with young men (which, if it keeps happening, should mean that people stop harassing Roxie about making out with Chad). There's drinking and streaking. Darryl's car stops and he says something to Fidel. I can't make it out because the music is way to

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Eastwick

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