Of Monsters & Men

Episode Report Card
Sobell: B- | 32 USERS: A-
Dracula, Wonder-Killer at Any Magic Show

What do vampires fantasize about? Exquisitely plotted, promiscuously lush formal gardens, it turns out. Alex spends the first few minutes fantasizing about playing in a fountain in a garden in the sun, and then returns to reality in his parlor.

Meanwhile, across town, noted vampire huntress Lady Jayne is busy telling Lords Davenport and Browning that there’s no way Alex could be a vampire with his busy social schedule, since vampires are all angry loners on weird paleo diets.

Browning points out that for all of Alex’s business activities and social jaunts, he has never been seen out and about in direct sunlight. He then adds that one need only look at what happens to Grayson’s business rivals --"killed by a wolf," since those were apparently endemic to London’s nicer neighborhoods in the 1800s -- and "committed suicide via conspiracy cult." Browning manages to pin both on Grayson, despite the fact that he personally stabbed Lord Laurent to death. Finally, Browning freaks over the prospect of Grayson’s technology succeeding, because if it does, the Order’s investments in oil fields are useless. So there you go! Final proof that Grayson is a creature of the night, since vampires are well-documented advocates of green, clean energy.

Lady Jayne then utters the night’s first hilarious line: "I’ve spent a great deal of time with Mr. Grayson, and I can assure you, as head huntsman, I would have noticed if he were Nosferatu."

Then Browning obliquely calls out Davenport’s side project of destroying Grayson without Order Draco’s sanction. Once he’s satisfied the other man has let his imagination dwell enough on the implications of going against the Order, Browning calmly turns back to Lady Jayne and tells her he’s contrived a plan to "flush out the beast" for once and all.

Side note: You know, it’s so weird to me that this august and ancient group of people are so opposed to vampires since they used to run around making them. Do you suppose the Order Draco members of the 1800s are all, "Verily, we are descended from idiots and I am so tired of cleaning up their messes?"

Okay, now we have a scene that’s basically the sequel to the awkward dancing scene in the engagement party, only this time it’s in a restaurant. (So much worse! You can’t control which random people see all the drama!) The upshot: Alex sees Mina simpering over a card trick that enchants her and bores Harker to tears (truly, the only moment where I’ve felt any sense of connection to the man) and totally ditches Jayne to satiate Mina’s curiosity by explaining how the trick was done. Since Jayne has nothing better to do that contemplate her napkin, and regret her taste in men, she notices that Lucy is looking particularly Sapphic that evening. She then decides that it couldn’t hurt to cultivate a little side action by making friends with Mina’s pining bestie.

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